Looking In Your Eyes
by MarryMeLauraPrepon
Summary: After Piper gets out of the SHU everything seems to be spiralling out of control, leaving her feeling alone and destructive. Can having one special person in your life really make everything better? (Coarse language)
1. The Unknown

'_**You may not come running to me again. Not with your problems. Not with your love.'**_

"_Alex, I really don't think this is necessary, I'm okay now I-"_

"_Piper, would you stop, please?" Alex sighed as she turned the key in the door and opened it, gesturing for me to enter her apartment. I stood still on the spot, watching as Alex arched her eyebrow at me and sighed tiredly again. "Piper, really? What am I supposed to do when I walk past the girl I met in the bar a few weeks ago, crying hysterically in the blizzard that has literally brought New York to a standstill?"_

"_I don't know," I mumbled weakly, smiling softly at Alex before walking past her and into the heat of her apartment. I felt my frozen feet and fingers beginning to thaw, tugging Alex's scarf that she had given me from around my neck. "I could be a murderer or a psychopath for all you know…"_

"_Are you?" Alex stopped and asked as she was taking her coat off, laughing softly when I just shook my head and stood awkwardly at the entrance of her apartment. She chuckled when she noticed how uncomfortable I was, grabbing my hand pulling me over to the couch. "Sit here while I get wine, then you can maybe explain to me why you were drowning in your own tears just then."_

_I looked around her apartment when Alex disappeared into the kitchen, glancing at the pictures of Alex with an older woman who was clearly her mother from the exact same smug grin that was apparent on the woman's face. I could hear the sound of wine glasses being clanked together in the kitchen while I ran my hands over my uniform for work. When Alex reappeared with a bottle of wine and two glasses I smiled at her softly, hoping the wine would disperse the nerves that were bubbling in my stomach and making me feel nauseous. Alex just grinned at me as she poured the wine, handed me a glass, and sat back on the couch, waiting for me to speak. I took a large gulp of the wine, letting it slide down my throat before clearing my throat as I ran my finger around the rim of the glass to distract myself._

"_I was just having a bad day, that's all," I muttered, looking up to see her trade mark arch of an eyebrow, sighing as I looked into her deep green eyes, "I had just spent eight hours having my ass grabbed my men old enough to be my dad, all of whom thought it was perfectly acceptable to also smack it, and it just got to me I guess. Plus my hair stinks of the burgers, so that always makes me feel sick." I shrugged my shoulders and took another mouthful of the wine and watched Alex sip at hers slowly, her eyes always watching me and making me squirm on the couch. I didn't feel uncomfortable under the watch though, I felt special in some weird way._

"_Why is a Smith grad like you, who has excellent listening skills may I add, waitressing in a diner anyway?" Alex laughed, making my blush slightly at the memory of the last time I had been speaking to her, when she had teased me in the bar. I let out a deep breath and just shrugged my shoulders again, not knowing how to answer the question I asked myself constantly._

"_I don't know. I was round at Polly's a few weeks ago, this was before she became the self-centred bitch she has been recently, and I may have drank too much wine. Anyway, we were watching the first couple episodes of Friends, you know the ones where Rachel cuts herself off from her dad so that she can be more independent?" I waited for a little nod from Alex to show she was keeping up before carrying on, "And I guess in some heat of the moment idea, Polly managed to persuade me to ring my dad and cut myself off from him. I thought it was going swimmingly until I paid my rent for my shitty apartment where the heating doesn't even work, afterwards realising I didn't have enough money to even buy food. I refused to ring my dad back and grovel, so the job at the diner was the only one I could find."_

"_Hence the crying in the street," Alex spoke, laughing softly when I just nodded. I followed Alex's eyes to my uniform, ignoring her smirk when she took in the tiny skirt and knee high socks that made me feel like I was cheerleader in High School again. "You can have a shower here, you know."_

"_What?"_

"_To get rid of the smell of burgers… You can use my shower. I'm very friendly like that, sharing is caring," Alex winked at me before leaning forward and filling the wine glasses again. I frowned at her and just shook my head, confused by this entire situation._

"_I think I should probably be going." I spoke, setting my wine glass down on the glass table in front of me and moving to get up, but stopping when I felt the light touch of Alex's hand on my arm._

"_Piper, you can't go home in this weather. You'll never be able to get a taxi and I'm not going to let you walk, I was serious when I said you could you stay here. I'll even sleep on the couch and let you have my bed."_

_I stared at her for a second, looking into her green eyes to see only genuine concern looking back at me. I sighed softly and sat back down onto the couch properly, smiling softly at Alex when a grin broke out across her face, "And people say that chivalry is dead."_

_Another two glasses of wine later and I was finally under the hot spray of Alex's shower, trying to get my thoughts into order before I turned the water off and stepped out. Part of my mind was screaming at me to just leave, I mean, I didn't really know this woman. Sure, I had been more than willing to go home with her a few weeks in the bar when I had met her, but tonight was different. She wasn't flirting with me over margaritas and whispering in my ear when someone turned the music up too loud. This was just me and Alex, in her apartment, with me in her shower, about to sleep in her bed. So of course part of my mind was telling me to run, to babble some shit about going to see Polly and just get out of her, but that part of my mind was being heavily outweighed by the part that was keeping me in this shower and running Alex's shampoo through my hair. There was something about this woman that made my heart beat differently, not faster, jut different. She interested me, and for once in my sheltered life I wanted to take a step over the line and live. I wanted to look into something that interested me._

_I stepped out of the shower and wrapped the towel around me, drying my hair quickly before walking out and seeing a small pile of clothes neatly folded on the bed next to my uniform, which had also been folded. I couldn't stop the smile that tugged on my lips when I lifted the baggy shirt that had clearly been purchased at a Whitney Houston concert, pulling it over my head along with pulling the shorts up my legs that had been left. When I opened the bedroom door I was immediately greeted by the sight of Alex sprawled out across the couch, her arm that was hanging off the edge flicking up occasionally to change channel. When she realised I was there, she scrambled up and smiled at me shyly, chewing on her lip before patting the couch next to her. _

"_Well, don't you look adorable," Alex said softly as I sat down next to her, looking over to the TV to see Pretty Woman playing. I played with the material of the shirt between my fingers while I smirked at Alex._

"_Whitney Houston, really?"_

"_Hey, Whitney Houston is a pure genius who holds a special place in my heart. The Bodyguard is my favourite film," Alex shrugged softly, avoiding eye contact with me as though she was embarrassed. I couldn't stop the giggle that left my mouth, feeling my heart melt at the adorable woman in front of me. "That's my favourite shirt so treat it nice, I had to queue for like 40 minutes with a load of snotty people who shoved me everywhere to buy that."_

"_I'll make sure I don't hurt Whitney," I teased, stroking the face on the shirt and laughing when Alex just rolled her eyes at me, returning her gaze to the screen. I watched Alex for a second, enjoying the way her glasses slid down her nose whenever she looked down. She scrunched her nose up whenever they began to slide, in a futile attempt to stop them before having to push them up herself. When her eyes flicked to me and she smiled, I forced myself to look at the tv before she did think I was actually a psychopath. I watched as Richard Gere climbed up the fire escape, chewing on my lip to control my wondering eyes, finally glancing over to Alex when the movie ended._

"_You know, if you're tired I totally understand you going to bed," Alex spoke, turning her head to look at me again. I was going to say that I was fine, until I felt a yawn work it's way through me. Alex just laughed and took that as her answer, grabbing my hands and pulling me up, dragging me into her bedroom. I sat on the edge of the bed and watched as Alex lifted a blanket and pillow, turning to look at me when she was about to leave._

"_Alex, this is your bed, I'll sleep on the couch…" I started, stopping when Alex shook her head and just said no, smiling softly at me. I sighed frustrated, running my hands through my hair and saying Alex's name when she was just about to reach the door, "I don't bite you know, you can share the bed with me then. Please, I feel horrible making you sleep on your couch just because I was crying in the street."_

_Alex stood for a second, clearly weighing out the decision and unaware of the thumping in my chest. I sighed in relief when she nodded, dropping the blanket and pillow down on to a chair before walking over to the bed. I tried not to stare at her long legs when she pulled her jeans off, pulling my eyes away when she climbed into the bed, followed by me. I lay awkwardly again, suddenly feeling like the tension in the air was suffocating me. I heard Alex laugh softly as though she could read my thoughts, taking her glasses off and turning the lights off, leaving us in complete darkness. I turned on my side so that I was facing her, watching her as she just remained still and looked at the ceiling._

"_Alex," I whispered, my voice cracking from how quiet I spoke. It confused my why I whispered, the idea of soon as it's dark voices had to be quiet baffling me. Alex smiled as she rolled onto her side and was looking at me, her soft green eyes clear in the darkness of the room. My eyes flickered between looking at her eyes down to her slightly parted lips, the feeling I had gotten in the bar a few weeks ago now re-emerging and making me want nothing more than to lean forward and kiss her. I don't know whether it was my new outlook on life of living on the edge, or whether it was just impossible to fight the inevitable, but a second later I moved forward and pressed my lips against Alex's. It took her a second to respond, but when I felt her hand trail up my neck and cup my cheek, the shiver that went down my spine was indescribable. That's all it was, a soft, sweet kiss that ended almost as soon as it started. When our lips parted I was thankful that Alex didn't move away, her fingers still fluttering against my cheek and her warm breath hitting me when she spoke._

"_What was that for? You're ruining my chivalrousness." Alex said softly, her fingers trailing down my neck before pulling away and resting on the pillow in between us. I immediately missed the contact between our bodies, but when Alex's hand moved and found mine under the covers, I came to the conclusion that Alex Vause could in fact read my mind._

"_I don't know, it was a thank you for letting me stay I guess," I mumbled softly, scrunching my nose up when I realised how pathetic that sound, sighing softly and shaking my head, "No it wasn't, that was a bad lie. I guess I've just wanted to do that since I heard that voice of yours shout Laura Ingalls Wilder across the bar."_

_Alex snorted softly at the memory, her fingers unlinking from mine and making my heart thump a little harder in my chest. I struggled to see in the darkness what she was doing, but when I felt her fingers pull my chin forward softly, I knew exactly what she was doing. My whole body felt like it was on fire when she kissed me, harder this time, yet at the same time I felt like I was soaring through the air. I smiled into the kiss and let my hand now travel up and wrap into her hair, pulling her closer to me when I felt her tongue run across my bottom lip and collide with my own. For a few minutes I felt like the only people in the world were me and Alex, and when she pulled away and rested her head against mine, I knew that something had changed. I knew that the woman who was softly kissing me again, was different from everyone else. She wasn't just an interest anymore, she was some new weird addiction for me. I fell asleep that night with Alex wrapped around me, a sensation I became far too accustomed to, that when I left I didn't know how to sleep without the smell of her shampoo and the weight of her body on me. I don't think I've ever had a better night's sleep in my life._

…

As I lay on the bed with my legs up against the wall, my head hanging off the edge, I felt all the blood in my body rush to my head. I could hear my pulse beating past my ears, the pressure making my already faint body become dizzier. My eyes fluttered closed as the words that seemed to haunt me every single day rang in my head again, like church bells that woke you early on a Sunday morning from a blissful sleep. Yet this was anything but blissful. I squirmed on the bed slightly when the rock solid bed caused yet another spasm in my back, a pain I had fatefully become accustomed to. The thumping beat of my blood rushing past my ears was now overpowering the heart wrenching voice in my head, allowing me to sigh contently to myself and allow the pressure in my head to continue to rise.

A loud shriek from the cell besides me caused me to sit up, the muscles in my stomach clenching from the unwanted use of energy to pull myself back up, my eyes wandering to the wall beside me as though I could look through and see what was happening. The screaming didn't stop for another second, the thunderous shrill quieting the other screams that were a common sound of the concrete box that had become home. The screech stopped eventually and for a mere second silence encompassed the entire building, my body tensing at the unfamiliarity of it all. When the usual shouts began again I clenched my jaw, trying to push away the worry and awareness that I had felt more fearful of the silence, than of the ear-splitting scream. The memory of stories I had been told before I was sent down here emerged in my head, of how people told me the worst part of the SHU was the shouting and the cries from the other cells. Listening to other women throw themselves against the metal doors over and over until eventually the pounding stopped, and the only conclusion that seemed probable was that they had finally ran too hard against the door, passing out from the force. Yet to me, that wasn't the worst part. In fact, that was something that seemed to comfort me in the sickening twisted way that my brain now seemingly worked. When I heard the shouts, the bangs, the begs… It just reminded me I wasn't alone. Physically that was. It help my heart beat a little slower in my tightening chest knowing that I wasn't trapped in a concrete box, forgotten about forever until someone finally remembered and opened the door to see my dead body.

So the shouting was far from the worst part about the SHU, the clear winner was the thick dark mist that constantly clouded your head, the unknown I called it. In the SHU, everything was unknown. I didn't know whether it was day or night outside, whether it was bright sunshine or rain, or whether Pennsatucky was alive or not. It always made my stomach churn when I thought about the last one, not because I knew I could possibly be a murderer now, but because I placed the same importance on that as I did on wondering what the weather was like. The first couple of days after I had been thrown in here, it was all I thought about. Every time I looked down at my hands my cut knuckles reminded me of the relentless way my fist smacked into her face, and the large slice across my palm that had never been treated reminded of the fear that I had felt in that moment. But after a week or so of just sitting in the concrete box, of waiting helplessly for the sound of my door to be opened, I realised it was pointless to sit and question the living existence of Pennsatucky. The unknown caught up on everybody and the question of whether it was day time outside began to float into my head just as much as the question about whether Doggett was alive did.

The SHU was like a black hole that could suck you in, but only if you let it. If you were weak and sat on the floor in a ball, crying over your actions, you were bound to be sucked in and never spat back out. I knew that, everyone knew that. You just had to make sure you didn't give the black hole the power to suck you in, and maybe then you might walk away from here with just a few battle wounds from holding on so tight. Yet sometimes, the battle wounds were just as bad as being sucked in. They were wounds that didn't know how to be healed, they were fresh on you like a burn that would never cool. They were part of the unknown, and they only deepened the longer you spent fighting against the black hole. So inevitably the decision always came to you, do you hold on for your life and pray that you get let out time to maybe salvage anything that is left of the person who was dragged down here, or do you let go and face the inevitable? I smirked when I realised I wasn't very good at fighting the inevitable.

My eyes shot wide open when I heard the sound of the locks being moved on my door, my whole body tightening as I watched it open and the familiar guard appear. His eyes scanned over me, as though he was checking I was still alive, before peering over my shoulder at the wall behind me.

"What the fuck does that say?" He asked, stepping into the cell and squinting as he tried to read the wall, sounding out what he thought he could read. I looked over my shoulder and smiled smugly at my artwork.

"The Hamptons," I answered, looking over at him with a wide smile. I ignored the arch of his eyebrow and the judgemental look that he flashed me as he decided I was probably crazy. I pulled my knees up closer to my chest and leant my chin down on them, "A friend once told me the SHU was like the Hamptons, so I thought I would pass on the message to the next person."

"What the fuck did you even write that with?" He questioned as he leaned forward on one foot and squinted at the yellow smear on the wall that barely spelt out the words. I nodded over to the tray of food that sat on the floor. It was still full apart from the orange slime that they gave me was now decorating the wall behind me. "I see that you skipped yet another meal Chapman."

"I wouldn't call them meals," I grunted, flinching when he glared over at me and stretched for something on his belt. I don't know what I expected, but after however long I had been down here, I knew that nothing was off the table when it came to the guards down the hill. My brow furrowed however when he pulled out handcuffs, swinging them round of his fingers as he kicked at the plastic tray on the floor.

"On your feet inmate," He barked, my body instantly jumping at the sound of his booming voice into the cell. I opened my mouth to protest or to apologise, wanting to explain that I didn't know the food was so dear to his heart and I was sorry I had offended him. I also wanted to smack myself across the head for once again letting my arrogance and egotism slip through my lips, just like I had done on the first week.

"I'm sorry I offended the food I didn't-"

"Shut the fuck up inmate and get on your feet," I swallowed hard and forced my body up, fighting the recognisable groan in my muscles from the exhaustion that followed me like a shadow, "It's your lucky day."

"What?"

"The warden decided that having you die from starvation in here would probably cause a bit of trouble, especially with your piece of shit boyfriend and all that-"

"I don't think he's my boyfriend anymore," I mumbled, mainly to myself but noticing the guard roll his eyes when he heard me. I had tried not to think about Larry while I was in here, knowing that if I let the memories of him and Alex become a constant presence in my head, I probably would have thrown myself gladly into the dark hole.

"Anyway, your piece of shit non-boyfriend might cause us all a bit of trouble with his shitty little articles that he just loves to write about this prison. So the warden decided it was time for you to head back to home sweet home," The guard muttered, grabbing my hands when I neared him and pulling them behind my back with enough force to cause a searing pain in my stiff shoulder. I remembered that Watson had once told she spent her time working out while she was down here so that she didn't come back like a zombie, yet as I blinked slowly from how tired my eyes were, I wondered where she got the energy to even think about exercising from, never mid actually doing it. I felt the cuffs tighten around my wrist, possibly cutting into the skin, but I didn't even care enough to let out a grunt. I let the guard grab the top of my arms and begin pulling me out of the cell.

I looked around quickly, the environment of down the hill looking completely new to me as everything from that night, apart from the sound and feeling of hitting Doggett, had seemed to blank from my mind. The thin corridor was dark and mucky as he shoved me along it, the sounds of the screams intensifying. I wondered what they were screaming about, whether they were screaming for someone or whether they were screaming at themselves. I stumbled as the guard shoved me out the door, the harsh cold wind hitting before another flurry of rain sprayed against my skin. I had expected I would feel euphoric when this time came, wanting to look up at the sky and appreciate the simple pleasure of a cloud, yet I didn't. I didn't feel anything apart from the cold bite of the wind as it gusted my hair away from my face. I felt numb to everything, stumbling as the guard pulled me up the path and towards the van that was parked at the end. He opened the door and pushed me in, slamming it loudly behind me, and leaving me to struggle into a sitting position.

I flicked my hair out of my face before looking forward to see the widest smile I had seen in a long time being beamed at me. "Good to see you again Chapman!" Lorna boomed, the sound of her loud voice hurting my ears. I smiled weakly at her and shuffled so I was leaning my body against the door, thankful the van was empty apart from Lorna and Fischer who was jumping in, giving me a quick nod. The van vibrated into action and before I knew it, the building that I had been trapped in began to become a dot in the distance as we drove past high wired fences with barbed wire on top. I mustn't have heard Lorna as she spoke to me, snapping my eyes from the window when I heard my name being snapped and the sight of Lorna looking in the mirror at me, concern washing over her face.

"The SHU didn't get to you did it?" She asked quickly, turning out onto a deserted road that was lined with tall trees, snow still covering the top of them. The sight of the white snow caught my attention, a small factor that allowed me to think I had been in the box for too long. "Nicky told me that it can really fuck people up you know, and she's never been there as long as you. I mean, 6 weeks is pretty long. You missed Christmas Day and New Year's, which was actually fun because Caputo let us-"

"I've been gone for 6 weeks?" I asked quickly, cutting through Lorna who just hummed and nodded to me, flickering her eyes to me again. I looked away quickly to avoid the worry and apprehension that filled them, instead focusing my eyes back out the window. I knew it had been gone long, but I didn't think it had been that long. I had tried to count meals and work out how far apart they did showers, but eventually I stopped eating the rubbish they fired through the doors on trays, often not even moving from my bed when it smacked against the floor, and ultimately lost count of how many days I had been there. Maybe I did kill Doggett then? Maybe I was being brought back to the prison before being sent to a court to be sentenced again. I scoffed at the thought of telling my mother I was now a murderer, imagining her passing out right in front of me.

"You know Chapman, you don't look too good. Did they not feed you or something? You look one of those African kids you see on those adverts where they ask you to donate money," Lorna laughed, turning the van onto a more familiar road. The main prison building was now visible in front of me. I had thought about this moment while I was down the hill, wondering how I would feel. Much like the wind against my face, I thought I would feel excited or at least relieved, yet I felt nothing. I felt numb. I looked up to see Lorna looking at me in the mirror again, waiting for a response that only came from a shrug of the shoulders and a weak smile. The van chugged to a stop, the memory of the van pulling up here months ago when I had surrendered flashing into my head. I had been terrified that days, clutching my belongings close to me as though they would protect me. Who knew this is how I would end up? I wasn't that same person anymore, just like Larry and Polly had been telling me since day 1. I was okay with that, but I wasn't okay with the unknown that was still creeping into my life. I didn't know who I was now, and what still scared me was that I didn't know what I was capable of now. I looked down at my hands, the knuckles were freckled with light pink scars that I hoped would eventually fade, but the large gash across my hands which had become infected a few weeks ago, would never fade. It would be a constant physical reminder of that night, one that could go along with the constant emotional reminders.

I practically fell out of the van when Fisher opened the door, landing into her arms and hearing her chuckle softly. She pulled the keys from her belt and unlocked the handcuffs that had kept me trapped, bringing my wrists round and rubbing at them until a burn stopped me. They had cut me slightly from how tight they were, a small amount of dry blood on my wrists now. Fischer smiled apologetically at me, but it only made want to tell her that I deserved it. I had beaten someone to death with those hands, they deserved to be locked behind my back. I followed Lorna and Fischer as they made their way towards the building door. I made sure not to look up at the window which probably had people crowded around it, all whispering about how I looked and most likely retelling the story of what I had done in 20 different ways. For a second I wondered whether Alex was there, until I remembered I couldn't think that anymore. I couldn't be curious about her anymore, because I had no right to.

….

"I'm going to be honest Blondie, I'm pissed off that you're here," Rosa coughed from her bed. I looked over from where I was sat with my legs crossed on my bed, cocking my head so I could look at her properly, "You were supposed to be one of the good ones. Sure, that meth head needed a good beating, but I thought you knew better." I tried to ignore that fact that I felt like I was being scolded by my mother, before realising my mother never actually told me off that like. This sounded like someone who cared, my mother never cared enough to bother with shouting at me.

"I thought I knew better too," I mumbled, looking down into my lap at the small bar of soap and toothbrush that Lorna had handed me before running off in excitement to tell everyone that I was back. I could imagine her running in the Suburbs right now and shouting at the top of her voice that the newest murderer was back, but I still wondered how long I was back for. I wondered whether people would really care that I was back, if they had even missed me. I sometimes thought that if I hadn't of been the gossip of the prison, no one would have noticed I was gone.

"Have they given you any information about Doggett?" DeMarco asked as pushed herself up on the bed and looked over at me over the top of her glasses. I snorted at the question, shaking my head slowly at them.

"Why would they give me information when they can let me sit for 6 weeks and think about the person I killed with my bare hands? They probably thought it was extra torture for me," I mumbled, leaving out the part that I hadn't really given much thought to Pennsatucky, knowing it would only reinforce the trepidation that people now seemed to look at me with.

"Killed?" Rosa laughed, her laughter turning into small coughs before she managed to regain her breath, "You didn't kill her Blondie, if anything you did her a favour. I heard she's getting new teeth," Rosa muttered before rolling over and mumbling something about the insane medical double standards this prison had.

I hadn't killed her. Pennsatucky wasn't dead. I wasn't a murderer. I felt a small hint of relief wash through me, and frowned when I realised that was all I felt. I didn't feel an overwhelming sense of joy when I realised I hadn't brutally murdered someone with my hands, I just felt acceptance. Acceptance that I didn't need to go to trial again, acceptance that I was probably back for good now, and acceptance that I didn't need to see Larry's dad. I wondered whether that was fucked up, before coming to the conclusion that it was most definitely fucked up. I wanted to blame it on the SHU, say that it messed with my head, but I felt like I couldn't. I felt like this new person that I had become all of a sudden, who had emerged while I was prison, was a heartless cold bitch. I was everything that people had ever called me, and for the first time since I had been publically rejected by Alex 6 weeks ago, I felt tears sting the back of my eyes.

"I'm going to be honest Chapman, you don't look good," DeMarco sighed, sliding over so she was sat on the edge of her bed and had a better look at me. "Maybe after a meal you'll look better. Or maybe a shower?" I just nodded at her, swallowing the lump away in my throat and grabbing the crispy towel that had been handed to me when I walked into the room.

….

It felt somewhat refreshing to stand under a stream of water that wasn't freezing cold and know that a set of eyes weren't burning into you. It was somewhat revitalising to wash and know that later that night, somebody wouldn't think of my naked body in the shower when they were getting themselves off. The bathroom was empty when I stepped out of the shower and wrapped my towel around myself, walking over to the counter where I had left my pile of clothes. I was about to grab the shirt when I caught a glance of myself in the mirror and stopped.

My skin look unbelievably pale, sallow and pasty. Underneath my lifeless eyes were large purple circles that dipped down far enough to reach my cheeks bones, another feature that was now easy to see on my face. I ran my fingers over my cheek bones before letting them fall to my collar bone which stuck out leaving sunken gaps above. My fingers jutted over my ribs which were now easily counted and I tapped my fingers against my hip bones. I let out a defeated sigh at how weak and feeble I looked, reminding me of the time I had gone to the hospital to visit my Granddad, the image of his faint body being a constant reminder in my life of what death looked like. Right now, I looked like I was dying. I smirked at my usual melodramatic self before grabbing the orange pants and pulling them easily up my legs, kicking my feet into the boots. I had my shirt halfway pulled over my head when I heard the sound of footsteps making their way into the bathroom. I panicked and tugged the shirt, feeling the resistance against my still wet hair. I tried pulling it down as fast as I could but knew it was too late when I heard the sharp intake of breath, the gasp that echoed around the empty bathroom. It wasn't the fact that someone had seen my bony body that made my hands shake, it was the gasp that did that. The recognisable intake of breath that caused my arms to slack and the shirt to finally slip free from my wet hair and fall down my body.

I didn't want to look up. I knew she was behind me, I could almost feel her against me even though I knew she was a few steps away. I wanted to just run, to push straight past her and run straight back to the dorm that offered me my perfect hiding place, but I could get my feet to move. I briefly wondered whether this constituted as me coming to her with my problems, but that thought escaped my head when I heard another footstep towards me. I still hadn't looked up, not knowing if I could handle seeing those perfect green eyes so soon. I had promised myself I would listen to Alex, I would stay away from her. I wasn't only doing it because she asked, but because I knew deep down it was the best thing. I seemed to be a ticking time bomb that was constantly exploding without me even knowing when, and I wanted to save her for once. I was tired of putting her in the firing line of my shit, leaving her to defend for herself whenever I became too injured. However, one smile from her perfect lips and I knew I would be right back to that front line.

I was waiting for her to move on, to do whatever she needed to do. I was waiting for the cold disregarding of my presence that Alex had promised, waiting for her to look straight through me. I wasn't expecting to hear her voice. So when her low voice did crack through the silence of the bathroom, I felt myself jump in surprise. My heart fluttered at the sound, and I felt like this was the first time in 6 weeks that I didn't feel numb. I was feeling something, I was reacting to something for once.

"Jesus Piper," She whispered softly, but I kept my eyes trained firmly on the sink in front of me. I had no escape, even if I looked in front of me I would see her in the mirror. I heard her sigh again, I didn't know whether it was frustrated or annoyed or something else, but my knuckles turned white from how hard I was gripping the side of the counter, making sure I didn't turn around and just throw myself into her arms. She didn't deserve that, I knew better now that to keep dragging her underwater with me while I'm drowning.

"Piper," Her voice cracked again. I clenched my jaw at the sound, wanting to turn around and scream at her. Why was she doing this? Why was she making it harder for me to let go of her? She told me never to go to her again, she couldn't have made it clearer. I swallowed hard and flinched when I heard her the next thing that left her mouth, "Pipes, please look at me." I clenched my eyes closed hard, trying to imagine what she looked like behind me. Maybe she was wearing her grey jumper that she looked adorable in. Maybe her glasses were on her head, or her hair was tucked slightly behind her ear. When she let out one last plead of, "Please," I opened my eyes and forced my head up to look into the mirror.

I heard her let out a long breath as she looked right at me, right into my eyes. I was wrong about the jumper, she was in her beige shirt over her long white top, but I was right about her hair. She had pinned the front back with a clip and her glasses were on her face, but slowly sliding down her nose from how she ducked her head to make eye contact with me. I wanted to shout at her, to ask her whether she was happy now. But the more I looked into her eyes, the more I saw the fear in them. I hated it. I hated that even when I was trying my best to stay away from her, to do the right thing, I was still a problem to her. That's all I was to her, a burden on her life. I was a burden on everyone's life right now. Larry had put his life on hold for me only for me to cheat on him, Polly had been working her ass off on the business only for me to run after a chicken and my mom had to spend her days lying, saying I was in Africa. I shook my head slowly at how pathetic I was, dragging my eyes away from Alex and lifting the toothbrush, deciding I just needed to get out of the room. I spun round quickly and averted my eyes from Alex's, trying to get past her as fast as I could but freezing when I heard her voice again.

"I'm glad you're back," She spoke quickly, before she walked on and I forced myself to move as fast I could.


	2. Finding My Puff

They say that when you see someone drowning, you're not actually supposed to jump into the water and save them, as crazy as that sounds. Supposedly, when you jump in and reach out for the terrified person on the verge of dying, that there immediate reaction is to grab onto you like you are their only lifeline. Of course, that is despite that fact that you are basically their only lifeline. When they grab onto you, they pull you down too. Their frantic grip on you stops you from helping them in any way, and in mere seconds the situation can turn from you helping someone from drowning, to drowning yourself as you're pulled under by the petrified body.

That's what I felt like I did. I was constantly drowning, constantly looking at the blurred world from underneath the murky surface that was slowly cutting off my oxygen supply. I pulled people under with me, and I didn't let go even when I saw the life drain from their eyes. I had pulled Larry so far under with me, only to let him surface at the last minute when I found Alex again, not caring that he had forgotten how to breathe after being held down for so long. I had been drowning Alex for 10 years now, yet it still always seemed like she was the one holding on. That even when I did try to let go, she gripped onto me and tried to help. She wanted us to both to surface from the gloomy water that was slowly killing me, she just hadn't succeeded yet.

I sat staring at the tray in front of me, flinching when the sounds of trays being slammed down onto the table in front of me startled me from my thoughts. I looked up see Nicky flashing an ear to ear grin at me, followed by Big Boo and Lorna filling the seats around me.

"Holy fucking shit Chapman, so Lorna really wasn't shitting with us when she said you looked like a fucking Ethiopian," Nicky laughed, stretching across the table to mess my hair up like I was a puppy. I smiled weakly at the rest of the table before swallowing hard when the empty seat at the end came into my line of vision, my eyes scanning the line quickly to see if she was here yet. I wondered if I would get used to the thumping of my heart and the fluttering in my chest eventually, praying that I wouldn't feel like this every time the possibility of seeing Alex arose.

"You owe me three candy bars Nichols," Big Boo laughed before she shoved another forkful of eggs into her mouth, laughing widely and showing the contents to me. I scrunched my face up in disgust and ignored the churning in my stomach at the sight of the food filling all the trays in front. After weeks of barely eating, I thought I would have practically eaten Nicky in front of me, yet as I looked at the food I realised my body was far from accepting of the sight of it.

"Not yet Boo, give her a fucking minute. You can't judge her that quick," Nicky snapped back at Boo as she threw a crust of her burnt slice of toast at the woman, laughing when Boo just lifted the crust and ate it. When all eyes resumed to me, I realised that they were all filled with expectancy, my brow furrowing as I looked at Nicky.

"Judge me on what?" I asked, listening as Nicky muttered something about it being nothing, just some stupid game they had made up while I was gone. "Judge me on what, Nicky?" I snapped, before letting my eyes fall back on Boo who was gladly ready to tell me.

"I said that you would come back from SHU bat shit crazy, Nichols here said that you wouldn't. I think it's safe to say that you're not fully home right now. Or maybe you're home, but the lights aren't switched on," Boo pointed her fork to her head before twisting in it circles to convey that I was crazy. My mouth dropped as I looked around the silent table, people like Yoga Jones and Morello squirming from the uncomfortable silence that had settled as I tried to comprehend the information.

"You made bets on whether I would be crazy?" I asked Nicky in front, who sighed and leant forward on the table.

"In my defence, I did say that would be totally sane…" Nicky smiled a smug smile as I just carried on to glare at her, watching as she laughed awkwardly at Morello who was too glaring at her. When Morello jabbed her fingers into Nicky's side, causing an uncharacteristic squeal to emerge from her mouth, she sighed and looked at me again. "I defended you in a way Chapman, I said you would be sane, it was her who said you would be fucked up."

"I can't believe you made bets about my emotional state while I was sat in a concrete box thinking I had killed someone!" I snapped, my voice going an octave higher than usual. I noticed I garnered a few looks from other tables, particularly from Pennsatucky's grew who all looked at me like I was shit on the bottom of their boot. I shrugged my shoulders and let out a deep breath as I sighed, letting my head tilt to look at Boo. "You owe Nicky three chocolate bars… I'm not crazy."

I laughed weakly when Nicky began to celebrate across from me like she had won a gold medal at the Olympics, flashing her middle finger at Big Boo before grabbing Morello and planting a firm kiss on her cheek. I smiled weakly when I noticed the blush creep onto Morello's cheeks, Nicky oblivious to this as she stood and circled her hips in a dance that reminded me of the way my dad used to dance. I couldn't stop the laugh that was escaping my mouth, finding it strange to be laughing after so long, but feeling the laughter cut from my throat like someone hate muted me when a body appeared at the end of the table. A flash of her black hair was enough to make every hair on my body stand up and my pulse to quicken. I avoided looking up but could almost feel her green eyes burning into me. When her voice filtered over across the distance of the table, as she asked what was happening, I flinched on my seat. The same drowning feeling was becoming overpowering again, the suffocation becoming too much. I let out a shaky breath and mumbled something about needing to phone Polly, shaking my head at Nicky when she said told me to stay. I scrambled to get rid of my tray, feeling like her eyes were burning into the back of my head as I walked out of the room and headed for the phone.

….

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Piper, oh my God I can't believe this, how are you? When did you get out?" Polly screamed down the phone, the sound of baby crying in the background making a smile stretch across my face. I leant back against the wall and titled my head to hold the phone between my jaw and shoulder, playing with a broken nail as I answered.

"I'm fine Poll, I got out yesterday. They realised that the possibility of me dying in that hole was possible, so thought it would be better for me to die somewhere with witnesses," I muttered, sighing as I grabbed the phone again and held it close to my ear as I listened to Polly laugh softly, "How's Finn? How are you?"

"Seriously? You get attacked by some crazy psycho and get put in the FLU for 6 weeks, and you're asking me how I am?"

"The SHU," I corrected.

"That's what I said, anyway, how is the psycho? Did you kill her? Do I now get to tell everyone that my best friend is murderer?" Polly laughed softly before I heard her speak to Finn in a childish voice, the sounds of his cry now becoming softer as she told him she was on the phone with 'Aunt Piper'.

"I didn't kill her, I fucked her up pretty bad I think, but I didn't kill her. She still isn't back in the prison though, but I heard that she might have been put into SHU for a little longer because of that fucking dagger that she came at me with."

"It baffles me how she managed to make one, I mean, you can't even take a shit in private yet she manages to construct a weapon of mass destruction? I think those guards need to sort out their priorities. Your mom has been driving me insane, she came over the other day with clothes for Finn and a breast pump for me."

"I've always told you she is crazy… She had some weird fetish for you I think, I swear she wishes you were her daughter instead of me," I joked, but not failing to think that was the truth.

"Obviously, I'm a much better catch that you criminal ass." I smirked against the phone, hearing Polly sigh on the other end and speak to someone softly. As I waited for her to finish speaking to the person, my whole body tensed when I recognised the faint sound of the other voice.

"Pol, is that Larry?"

"Oh, erm, yeah. Do you want to speak to him?" I could picture him shaking his head frantically at her and signalling that he was getting into the shower, the same thing he used to do to me whenever his mother rang too many times in one day. I swallowed hard and let my eyes flutter closed, the whole concept of dealing with Larry seeming like far too much effort right now.

"No," I said softly, hearing Polly just hum on the other end of the line, a silence filling the line. I wondered whether she wanted to ask questions about what happened, but right now I didn't want to give her the time to ask them, "Can you come and visit me this weekend? I really need to see a friendly face right now."

"Finally realised that Supercunt doesn't have a friendly face, or are you just not seeing much of her face recently? Ew, don't answer that actually," Polly made a fake sick sound down the phone, making me smile softly down the phone until I looked over to see the line forming for the phones and Wanda Bell stood swinging her hand telling me to wrap it up.

"Something like that, so can you?"

"Sure, I'll be there Piper."

"Great, thank you. Listen Pol I need to go, I'll see you in a few days, give Finn a big kiss for me," I didn't have time to hear her say goodbye when another person was now stood next to me, grabbing the phone from me and putting it down. I muttered a small apology before slouching away from the phones.

…

I sat on my bed with my legs crossed, playing with the material of the rough blanket by winding it through my fingers. As I had walked back to the room my mind had wandered to Larry with the mention of him. I leant my head back against the wall and sighed, wishing Polly had never mentioned him in the first place, yet another reminder of yet another person I was a burden on. I wondered when I would finally pluck up the courage to phone Larry and speak to him, to hear his voice properly for the first time since he ended whatever measly relationship we had left. I wondered what that conversation would go like.

Would he ask about the night with Pennsatucky? Would he blame me entirely for it, tell me I'm lucky to be where I am right now? I scoffed when I thought that he probably would. Larry wouldn't understand it, he wouldn't be able to wrap his head around the idea of some fucking hillbilly telling me I needed to die. He would think I was searching for the drama again, wanting it to find me, as though prison wasn't enough drama already. I wondered for a second whether he was right though, whether I did always seem to find the drama. In my first week here I had created a problem with Red because of my stupid mouth, and it turned in a full circle and ended with me sitting on top of Doggett while I punched her over and over. I tried to think how I would tell it to Larry if he did ask. Would I leave out the part where I had completely blacked out, seen a deep red so much that I don't know how I would have stopped that night? I shuddered at the thought of telling Larry the story, rubbing my tired eyes and groaning in frustration at how fucked up everything was.

"Moss, Simpson and Chapman, report to your CO's for your allocated dorms," I flinched when the loud speaker boomed through the prison, all eyes in the room turning to me when my name was spoken. I groaned again, not wanting to move back to the dorms where I knew I would be bombarded with questions and rumours that had been spread around faster than the flu.

"Good luck Chapman, try not to nearly murder someone again," DeMarco laughed as I just rolled my eyes at her, walking out of the room and heading in the direction of my new CO. Healy had taken a 'leave of absence' for a few months while I had been in SHU, the rumour spreading around that he had lost his temper and slapped one of the inmates after I had been sent to SHU. I walked quickly down the corridors, wanting to avoid bumping into anyone. I knocked softly on my new CO's door, entering and smiling at the small, old man who sat behind the desk.

…

My stomach was doing flips as I stood in the small queue and waited, remembering the last time I had stood here I had been filled with anger and hatred. Now I was scared. I was scared for the person in front of me to move because that meant I would be face to face with Alex again, and I would have to actually speak to her this time. When the person in front of me grabbed the clothes and walked away, I felt like my feet where glued to the floor. I stood frozen to the spot until the woman behind me shoved me forward slightly, muttering something about 'stupid blonde bitches' as I staggered in front of the hole.

Alex's eyes went wide with surprise as I stumbled over, steadying myself before glaring at the woman and looking at Alex quickly. She let out a soft sigh before beginning to fold a beige shirt and pants for me. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know whether I should speak to her or whether I should pretend like I didn't know her. That's what she wanted. She had told me never to come to her, and if she wanted that then I could give that to her. I was strong enough to do that now, or at least I had to be, I was sick of being the weak girl that was too scared to be alone. I chewed on my bottom lip as I waited, watching as she turned to grab a jumper and jacket, folding them and adding them to the pile.

"Your feet shrunk back to their normal size yet?" It took me a second to realise that she had spoken to me, my eyes fluttering up to look at her as she arched an eyebrow at me, looking into a pair of shoes to see the size before setting them down again and grabbing another pair. I wondered for a second whether that was Alex's secret way of asking me whether I was with Larry or not, but pushed that thought away when I knew it was crazy, Alex didn't care. When her eyes came back to mine she waited for me to answer, arching her eyebrow before asking, "So what is it, nine and half or ten?"

"Ten," I whispered weakly, hearing Alex laugh in that condescending way that made my blood boil. Whenever she did it to other people I always marvelled at the way she had so much control over other people, how she could make them feel so small from this one laugh. So obviously it had the same effect on me, making me shrink to the size of an ant as she looked at me. If she asked me the question again I could probably ask for a size 6 from how small I felt, clenching my jaw as Alex found the boots and flopped them down onto the pile of clothes.

"Tell Larry I said hi, we're very well acquainted now in case you didn't know. We've both been for a ride on the fucked up train that is Piper Chapman," Alex muttered, letting out a weak chuckle before beginning to fold clothing for the next person in line. I was glued to floor again, but not from fear this time, but from anger. I wanted to shout at her, to scream at her asking why she was being like this. I opened my mouth to say something but ended up with a small chuckle leaving instead, shaking my head when I realised it was pointless. I grabbed the clothes and hugged them close to me before heading in the direction of the dorms to get changed quickly.

As I walked I realised that it was times like this when I felt like Alex had finally let me go, that she wasn't trying to help me resurface, but instead was holding me under. I felt like she was drowning me herself, gaining satisfaction from watching me squirm and slowly fade out. I wanted to pretend that Alex was only being like this because it reminded her that she hated me and therefore it was easier to see me and not want to touch me, the way I constantly felt around her, thinking I might do the same if I was in her position, but I knew thinking that was stupid. Alex wasn't pretending to hate me, she did hate me. She whole heartedly hated me, with every bone in her body, she held an unimaginable hatred against me. I had to bite the inside of my cheek to fight to the tears and sobs that were about to wrack through my body, wanting to at least make it to the dorm before my legs gave way.

….

"Number 5 Chapman," O'Neil spoke as he pointed into the suburbs and over to a cube. I felt queasy from how much my stomach was swirling, wanting to grab onto O'Neil's legs and beg him to move me back to the Ghetto. The Ghetto I could handle, I had cracked the Ghetto, but the suburbs was different. I wasn't the outside here like I was in the Ghetto, yet at the same time there were so many people in there that would never accept me.

"Can I-"

"No questions, Chapman. You're also on janitorial duty… We thought that was best, not many people around to beat the shit out of, you know? I heard the bathrooms need a good scrub, you start tonight," I just glared at O'Neil and watched him walk away laughing to himself, the sound of his keys jingling in his pockets with every heavy step he took. I took a deep, shaky breath that helped me in no way before walking in. I was thankful to see that Alex's cube was empty, glancing over to see Lorna sat on her bed and looking over her wedding magazine with Nicky next to her picking through her hair like a chimp.

"Holy fuck, Chapman," Nicky laughed when she looked up and flicked her hair back, "You pealed the orange already. Well, welcome to the suburbs! I would say that you'll love it, but with all the dyke drama going on between you and Vause, I can imagine this is probably your worst nightmare."

I watched as Lorna smacked Nicky over the head with her magazine, hearing them get into a somewhat heated discussion as I walked over to my cube, stopping in the entrance when I saw Red on her bed, reading a book. I coughed softly as I entered, trying my best smile when Red looked over the top of her book at me, lowering her glasses off her nose slowly. Her eyes dragged up and down my body as I set my things down onto the bed, looking at her slowly. Her stern glare was making me feel like a puppy who might wet itself, but when a tiny smile broke out over her face I felt a breath leave me that I didn't know I was holding.

"Good to see you again Blondie," She chuckled in her thick Russian accent, pushing herself up on the bed and swinging her legs over the edge. "You're looking a little thin, but a couple of good meals should fix that. Sophia will die when she sees your hair, and those circles under your eyes."

"Well, there isn't really anyone in solitary to keep yourself looking pretty for," I laughed, hearing Red chuckle and cough softly. I pulled my legs up onto the bed and leant back on the wall, wrapping my arms around my knees.

"You should keep yourself looking pretty for yourself, Chapman," Red spoke, pushing herself slowly up from the bed, her back clearly hurting herself more than usual from the way she grabbed it before she could manage a few small steps. I felt like I was watching my grandmother walk, wanting to help her but knowing that would only leave me with a black eye. "You should sleep you know, you look like shit."

"I can't, I have work tonight, someone has to clean the toilets in this place."

"Shit, you really did fuck yourself up by hitting that hillbilly," Red sighed, pulling her jacket on over her shoulders as she grabbed a pot of noodles, even though it was nearly bed time. "If it was me Chapman, I wouldn't have stopped hitting her until I couldn't feel my hands," Red laughed before walking out of the cube. I wanted to tell her that I couldn't feel my hands when I was hitting Pennsatucky, that I couldn't feel anything but the crack of her bones, and in a fucked up way that was the worst part. If I could feel more then maybe that would block out the feeling of the bones breaking, and maybe then I could sleep. I stood up slowly, my head constantly dizzy from my lack of food and sleep recently, walking out of the cube and heading in the direction of the bathroom.

"Where you going Chapman?" Lorna shouted over as I walked past, I looked over to see her now sat with Nicky in-between her legs, picking through Nicky's hair for her. Nicky just waggled her eyebrows at me and grinned.

"I have work, I'm on janitorial now."

"Fuck sake, they better replace you with someone soon. I'm having to actually do things now, you know? The other day, I actually fixed a fucking toaster," Nicky whined dramatically, the sound of her moaning to Lorna fading as I stepped away and turned to carry on walking, freezing when I came face to face with Alex again. I suddenly became unable to swallow, struggling to get rid of the thick lump in my throat that was making it hard to breath. When I looked up at her I noticed her whole face was stern and harsh, apart from her eyes that seemed almost apologetic. I lifted the corners of my mouth up into the smallest of smiles before ducking my head and moving around her, hearing the Nicky's voice shouting at Alex as I walked out of the room.

…

I dragged the mop back and forth across the bathroom floors before dunking it back into the bucket, doing the same thing over and over. My body felt weak and feeble when I moved, begging for me to sleep even though it wouldn't let me when I tried. I blinked slowly before wringing out the mop and continuing the process, working my way out of the bathroom like Suzanne had taught me months ago. When I heard the sound of a bucket being wheeled behind me I spun round to see Suzanne stood grinning at me, her infectious wide smile even forcing a small one onto my puny body.

"Dandelion? You working janitorial now?" She asked as she skipped over to me, slamming her bucket against mine and causing some of the dirty water to splash out over the edge. I watched as she wrung her mop out and started to wipe the area I had been working on much faster than me, a skill she had perfected over the years.

"Yeah, I can't really injure someone with a mop," I mumbled, watching as Suzanne looked at the mop in her hand and debated the comment in her head for a second, dunking mop into her filthy water again before looking at me as she carried on cleaning. She worked much faster than me, forcing me to move my bucket out of the way for her.

"You look sad Dandelion? Do you want to be my wife again? Do you need to hear how good your titties are?" She asked quickly, stopping to lean on her mop and look at me. I laughed weakly, shaking my head to fight the tears that were filling my eyes. I hadn't been strong enough, quick enough this time and felt the tears overflow my eyes and run down my cheeks. Suzanne stood awkwardly, stretching her hand out to touch but hesitating. I only cried harder when I realised she was hesitant because of how I had treated her before, because I made her feel like she couldn't comfort me. She was right, I wasn't a nice person, and the more I mopped the floor and thought about it, the more I wanted to run away from my own body and mind.

"Sorry," I mumbled quickly to Suzanne as I wiped my tears, sniffing quickly and wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my jumper, "I'm just really tired, that's all."

"You know Dandelion, I remember when I called you mean and told you that you weren't a nice person. Want to know how I remember? Because I've been feeling guilty ever since. I told you that you were dried up and had your puff blown off, which is true, but that's not your fault. It's this places fault, and maybe the crazy girl who attacked you." Suzanne spoke softly, her voice echoing slightly off the bathroom walls. I stood and watched as she played with her hair as if she was nervous, before smiling weakly at me again. "Find your puff again Dandelion, because when you have it, you are a bright yellow dandelion. The brightest."

I watched as Suzanne put her mop into her bucket and began to walk away from me, the sound of the bucket rolling being the only sound now in the bathroom. I sniffed quickly and grabbed my mop, wanting to finish the floor before everyone started to get up and head for breakfast. I was nearly at the door when I heard steps behind me, turning round to thank Suzanne and feeling the words slip from my tongue when I noticed Alex stood looking at me. She was holding her towel in her hands, her glasses on top of head, revealing her tired eyes.

"I can- I'll come back," She muttered quickly, turning on her heel and beginning to head in the opposite direction. As I watched her walk I let out a shaky breath, trying to find my puff again, before hearing my shaky voice bounce off the walls.

"I'm done Alex," I watched her stop and turn around to look at me, I grabbed the bucket and pulled it along with me, I stopped when I was closer to Alex. Her green eyes pierced into me, but as I looked into them all I could feel was defeat. I played her words over and over in my head, letting out a shallow breath before muttering another, "I'm done."


	3. Fear Follows

_I rubbed my burning eyes as I pushed myself up on the chair, glancing out the window to see darkness and the flashing lights on the wing of the plane. I swallowed thickly and rubbed at my burning eyes, a sign I hadn't been asleep for very long. I wondered what had woken me, but new immediately when she plane jolted and shook in the turbulence. I leant my head back on the head rest and let out a shaky breath, missing Alex more than ever right now. This was first time I had been on a plane by myself in years and I had become so accustomed to having Alex's fingers linked through mine and the squeeze of her hand whenever the plane even dipped slightly, that right now I my heart was thumping in my chest as I gripped at the armrests. When plane finally levelled out again and stopped the trembling, I struggled my fingers into my pocket and pulled out my phone to check the time. I had been right about not sleeping long, having only managed 40 minutes. I quickly turned the phone off when I was greeted with the image of me and Alex lay in the snow back in New York. _

_It used to always confuse Alex why that was my favourite picture of us together, since we pretty much had a photo album all around the world, yet there was something about that photo. Whenever I looked at it I couldn't fight the smile that tugged at my lips, the sight of me and Alex lay in the middle of the deserted road in the middle of the night, rolling in the snow. I remember how Alex had shown up at my door at 12:30 in the morning, telling me she wanted to make a snow man yet realising an hour later that we were both terrible at making snowmen. The night had turned into a snow ball fight, our screams causing people to hang out their window and shout at us, but we didn't care. When the flight attendant walked past offering drinks I just shook my head, biting down hard on my lip to fight the tears that were stinging the back of my eyes. I shoved my phone back into my pocket, slipping down further on the seat and looking at the old lady next to me when she spoke to the attendant._

"_Can I have a tea, and she'll have a coffee, make it extra strong," The woman spoke while nodding her head at me, making me frown as I watched the attendant make the drinks and hand them to the woman. I opened my mouth in shock and confusion as the elderly woman who reminded me of my grandmother handed me the coffee, smiling softly at me. "Here you go sweetheart."_

"_Uhm, thank you," I croaked out, my voice hoarse from the sobbing I had undergone earlier._

"_It's my pleasure, you need something to keep you awake and fight those tears," The woman laughed at me when I looked at her surprised, "When we took off I thought I was going to have to ask the pilot to make an emergency landing in case your tears drowned us all, but then you fell asleep so I thought I would let it go and hope for the best."_

"_Sorry," I whispered softly, sipping the strong, cheap coffee in my hands and glancing around the plane to see everyone else asleep. The coffee burnt my rough throat, my voice sounding raspier when I coughed._

"_So, did your girl break up with you? She didn't die did she?" _

"_My girl?" I asked quickly, watching the woman nod her head down to the pocket that held my phone. When I realised she meant Alex all I could manage was a weak, "Oh."_

"_Want to talk about it?" The elderly woman asked as she blew on her tea before taking a sip of it, pulling her blanket around her and tucking herself in as though I was telling a bedtime story._

"_I'm fine, thank you," I said, flashing a weak smile before leaning my head back on the chair and closing my eyes again. Whenever I closed my eyes all I could see were her broken green ones looking back at me, begging me not to leave. I wondered what she was doing right now. Would she still be sat crying, mourning the heart wrenching death of her mother? Would she have booked herself a seat on a flight like she had asked me to? Or would she be in a bar getting unbelievably drunk, because that's all Alex knew how to do in situations like this? I knew the last one was probably the most likely, and when I thought that a stab of guilt hit me straight in my stomach. I should be there, protecting her. If Alex wanted to knock back an obscene amount of vodka, then that was fine, but I should be sat next to her so that when some sleazy guy comes over to hit on her, I can push him away before Alex punches his front teeth out. I should be there to hold her hair back when she will inevitably be sick tonight, and I should definitely be there to hold her when she will cry herself to sleep. Another sob escaped my lips as I thought through all this, a dark cloud of guilt and fault hanging over my head._

"_When I was younger, I was in love with a girl named Linda Turner. She was this amazingly smart brunette who could just change my day with one smile," The woman spoke, catching my attention as I looked over to her and watched her stare into her tea. "Anyway, we were perfect together, but back in my day you couldn't be perfect for another girl. I couldn't handle the thought of not being with her, so we just hid that we were together. It worked for a while until Jimmy Turner, Linda's snotty younger brother, walked in and saw us together. The next thing I know I'm being sent away to boarding school, my mother thought that a good education would knock it out of me. I didn't see Linda for 5 years, until one day I was in Seattle and there she was. She was the exact same, my perfect Linda."_

"_What happened?" I asked softly, watching the woman snort and look up from her tea, a small smile tugging at her lips. _

"_I walked over to her, expecting her to greet me with open arms and a big kiss, but instead she turned the colour of a ghost and made me feel like I was the biggest mistake of her life. She introduced me to her husband as an 'old acquaintance' and I swear, in that moment I felt the ground fall from beneath my feet." The grey hair woman chuckled softly to herself, turning her head to the side while leaning it on the rest. "I got on the next plane I could, flew straight home to New York in pretty much the same way you are now. I was a wreck, I could barely breathe from hard I cried. But when I got home, I didn't understand why I was back there, why I had ran away from Linda. Linda may have really screwed me over, but she did teach me never to run without ever knowing why you're running. So, why are you running?"_

_I stared at the woman before averting my eyes down to my hands, feeling like the question was burning into my brain. I knew why I had ran, but suddenly I felt like it wasn't good enough. On any other day, it might have been, but on today it wasn't. Alex deserved better than me. She had loved me for years, treated me with everything she could and put up with my shit when I needed her, yet here I was putting my shit first once again. I sniffed softly and wiped at my running nose._

"_I thought running would help," I sniffed softly when the woman looked at me again and nodded in understanding, "I thought that if I ran away from everything that scared me, I wouldn't be afraid anymore. I just didn't realise that the fear follows me, and now that I don't have her, I just feel alone."_

…_.._

"Earth to Piper fucking Chapman," I flinched when I felt a piece of cardboard ping off my face, looking down to lift up the small square with the letter 'T' on it. I placed it back on the table and looked across to Nicky who gave me her 'hurry the fuck up' look. I rolled my eyes before putting some letters down, managing to make the word 'party', only to watch Nicky squeal with excitement as she managed to put the word 'pussy' on the board. Nicky waggled her eyebrows at me, making me laugh softly as I looked through the letters I had now, struggling to even think of words from how exhausted my brain felt recently. I was now managing to eat small amounts from meals, but occasionally I would throw it all back up if I ate just a mouthful too much. I had been getting a few hours' sleep a night, but after the nightmares had started two nights ago I had been getting progressively less sleep.

I was shaken from my thoughts yet again when Lorna walked past, smacking Nicky over the head lightly and giggling when Nicky reacted by smacking her across her ass. Nicky's eye followed her as she walked over and joined Big Boo and Yoga Jones watching tv, before tearing her eye away and looking back at me.

"You and Morello look like you're very close again," I spoke bemused, playing with the small cardboards pieces between my fingers. I looked up to see Nicky arching hey eyebrow at me, "What?"

"Cut the shit Chapman, I can read you like a fucking dirty book. You want to know whether I'm fucking Morello or Vause now, don't you? Why not just ask?" Nicky teased me, a blush creeping onto my cheeks even though that wasn't the reason I had mentioned them. My stomach churned at the memory of Alex and Nicky on the bed when I had walked in, an image I had managed to push away up until now. I swallowed hard before looking up to see Nicky with her arms crossed, waiting for me to speak.

"That wasn't why I mentioned it, but… Are you and Alex a thing?" I asked quietly, now flapping one of squares back and forth across my fingers to control the nerves bubbling in my stomach. Nicky just laughed as she pulled her chair closer to the table, sighing deeply.

"Really, 'a thing'? What, are we back in High School suddenly?" Nicky teased, mimicking my voice when she spoke, before laughing softly and shaking her head. "Calm your tits Chapman, Vause and I aren't anything but friends."

"I'm not blind Nicky, I know what I saw on the bed before I was sent to SHU."

"Listen Chapman, you don't need to go all Sherlock Holmes on me, I'll be honest with you. Sure, Me and Vause may have fucked, but that's all it was," I watched Nicky shrug her shoulders and look up at me with another playful smirk, "What was it you called it? Oh yeah, comfort. Vause needed comfort, and I'm not surprised after you fucked her up, yet again."

"Hey, that's not fair…" I mumbled weakly, watching Nicky roll her eyes and sigh deeply.

"None of it was fair Chapman," She muttered, looking back down at her letters and placing another word down on the board, smirking at herself proudly when she managed to fit on the word 'clit'. "You both may fuck each other over more times that I've fucked girls in the chapel, but you love each other. Angelina Jolie may have been with Brad Pitt for a shit load of time now and created a football teams of kids with him, but that doesn't stop everyone from still hating her fucking guts because she fucked over Jennifer Anniston."

My brow furrowed as I watched Nicky ramble on without even looking up from her letters, fumbling with them as she tried to make more words, her brain wracking for the most rude. "I and Vause get each other, we're sort of the same in a weird drug filled world kind of way … But I'm not Angelina Jolie, I don't want to be."

"So, what does that mean exactly?"

"It means that Alex and I are purely friends, Chapman. Quit your worrying and play for fuck sake," Nicky laughed before nudging her head to get me to look at my letters. I laughed softly and began to look over my letters, feeling like a weight that I didn't know had been there was being lifted from my shoulders. "Besides, going off the way she turned me down about 2 weeks ago when I basically offered myself up to her on a silver fucking platter, I'm going to go ahead and guess that Alex Vause is still riding on the… What is it she calls it?" Nicky stopped trying to think, scratching at her messy mane of hair.

"The fucked up train that is Piper Chapman?" I mumbled pathetically, watching as Nicky laughed and threw her head back, muttering something about Alex's magical way with words.

"Vause may be starting the 'I hate Piper Chapman' club at the minute, but we both know her better than that. Underneath all that bullshit and the hard exterior that she shows, she's the same as the rest of us. Give her time Chapman, and maybe you might be able to get your girl back, who knows?"

"She won't even look at me." I muttered as I placed another words onto the board that was only three letters. Nicky cocked her head to the side and arched her eyebrow at me in the same knowing way she always did, telling me that I was being naïve again.

"You picked your chubby little Jewish boy over her, Chapman, I'm struggling to look at you right now when I think about how fucked up that is. Alex is so fucking hot, why would you pass that up for Leonard?" Nicky just shook her head in bewilderment before looking over at the clock on the wall. "The fiancé coming to visit today?"

"No, my friend Polly is…. I don't think I can really call _Larry_ my fiancé anymore."

"No shit, since when?" Nicky dropped her letters and leant forward on the table, intrigued by this information. I looked at her unexcitedly and let out a deep, tired sigh.

"Since about two minutes before Alex publicly rejected me."

"Holy shit, no wonder you went fucking crazy on Pennsatucky's face, that day was fucked up," Nicky laughed, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms across her chest. I nodded slowly, wondering whether that day could actually go down as the worst in history, but then remembered the memory I had been thinking of earlier, knowing nothing would ever beat that day.

…..

I practically skipped into the visitation room, wanting nothing more than to throw myself into Polly's arms twice and feel the familiar warmth of my best friend's body. My eyes scanned the room frantically, searching for her, until they landed on someone else. I felt my whole stomach lurch at the sight of Larry sat twiddling his thumbs on the table, looking around like a shy boy before his eyes also landed on mine. I wanted to turn around and walk out of the room, run away from the thumping in my chest, but the shove on my back from one of the guards made me stumble over to the table. Larry stood up to greet me, holding his arms out to hug me but retracting when I just pulled the chair back and sat down in it.

"I'm sorry I don't look like Polly," Larry spoke softly, beginning to twiddle his thumbs again on the table, "You could have phoned Piper, I've been worried."

"Sorry, I was a little busy being locked in a concrete box," I murmured, staring at Larry's hands to avoid looking at his eyes. I heard a small scoff escape Larry's lips, making me glance up slightly to see him sighing as he leant back in his chair.

"I meant when you got out, you should have called me instead of Polly. Do I mean nothing now?" Larry asked, his voice rising slightly but lowering when the couple on the table next to us glanced over. I shrugged my shoulders weakly, hearing another sly chuckle leave Larry's lips. "Jesus Piper, would you say something? Did your head get fucked up in that concrete box?"

"No Larry, my head got fucked up when I told my fiancé that I would marry him while I was still in prison, because that's what he specifically asked for, only for him to turn around and tell me that he didn't want to be with me anymore. Add that on with the crazy fucking bitch who tried to kill me, I think anyone's head might get a little fucked up," I snapped, clenching my jaw and my hands on the table. I let out a slow breath which became shaky, looking over to Larry to see him scratching at his hair.

"I was angry, I had visited Alex and some of the things she said really got to me," Larry sighed, leaning forward on the table again. His face became too close, his sad eyes making me want to hurl, so I pushed off the table and leant back on my chair.

"You should never have come and visited Alex, Larry," I sighed, trying to fight the anger that was bubbling in my stomach, "You shouldn't have dragged her into this."

"I dragged her into this? Are you being serious right now? Piper, I think it's pretty clear to see that you dragged her into this when you fucked her in a fucking chapel," Larry barked, letting out an angry sigh as he leant back and crossed his arms over his chest. A silence took over the table for a few minutes, the sound of other people's conversations floating over to us while we sat staring at the table. When I pulled my eyes up and looked at Larry, I could see how unbelievably broken he was, and knowing I had fucked him up only made my stomach whip around more.

"Look Larry, I love you, I really do. But I'm fucked up. I beat the shit out of someone so much that they had to get new teeth. My hands are littered with scars and every time I try to sleep the memory of that night makes me want to cut my head open and slice my brain out. I'm that fucked up that sometimes I wish I could bang my head against something so hard that I get amnesia, because maybe then I might be able to close my eyes at night."

"Piper…" Larry mumbled, stretching his hands out and offering for me to take it, but sighing again when I just looked at his hand.

"I'm not the same Piper you knew when you dropped me off here months ago, when you promised me that this was all temporary, because I've realised more than anything that this isn't temporary. I'm not the same Piper because in some weird way, that was never really me. It's not that prison has changed me, it's just made me see who I really am… And, I'm okay with that, but you're not." I ran my hands through my hair and let out a shaky breath as I fought the tears that were stinging my eyes.

"I am okay with that Piper, I realise now that you have changed, so let me get to know this new badass Piper," Larry laughed softly, but his laughter still struggled to hide the shake in his voice as though he was scared of what I was going to say. It didn't surprise me, because I was scared of what I was going to say.

"I chose you Larry, I picked you. I broke Alex again, just like I had ten years ago, because I thought that the life I lived with you was better for me. But then you said you were with me out of fear and I realised right then no matter how much I lied to myself, I would never be happy living a life with you. You made me feel like the fucked up felon that I am when you said that you were with me out of fear, like I would never ever be good enough for you again. You were staying with me out of fear, really Larry? Don't try and sell me that bullshit, I know you. You weren't with me out of fear or pressure, you were with me because you were clinging onto the hopeless life that we were living just as much as I was. You wanted the brownstone town house just as much as my fucking mother did."

"That isn't fair Piper, I said all those things on the phone because I was angry. I had this image in my head of you fucking Alex in a chapel constantly!" Larry snapped, running his hands through his hair as he glared at the eyes he had attracted from other tables.

"I want you to know that I love Larry, because I really do. You were the light at the end of a very long dark tunnel and you helped pull me out of that shell of a person I became after Alex, but I think that's all you've ever been. You've been this amazing man who has loved me and has taken care of me, so in a way I felt obliged to love you back. So I do love you, I just don't think I've ever been in love with you, and I think even you know that. Six long weeks in that concrete box may have fucked me up, but it sure as hell makes you think straight," I laughed weakly, looking into Larry's eyes that weren't filled with sadness or grief like I had been expecting them to, but instead I could see the anger boiling in them.

"This is all about Alex isn't it?" He asked, scoffing when I just shook my head, "Don't give me that shit Piper, you say that you know me, but that means I also know you pretty fucking well. It's always been about Alex. Is that what this is, that you love her more than me? That she accepts and understands this new fucked up Piper? Does it make it easier to push all this onto me, to say that it's my fault I don't understand you when really it was you who ruined this relationship when you fucking cheated!"

"None of this is to do with Alex, it's just about us this time."

"This time? Are you hearing yourself right now Piper?" Larry snapped, making me flinch in my seat when he inched closer and glared at me in a way I had never seen before. "You were my fiancé and you fucked someone else. You didn't just fuck some random stranger either, you fucked Alex. The girls who put you in that dark tunnel, the reason you're in this fucking prison!"

"So would you have preferred it if I had fucked some random stranger?"

"I would have preferred it if you had remembered the promise you made to be my fucking wife!" Larry grunted, smacking his hand on the table and catching the attention of the guard stood in the corner.

"Maybe I should just go. I don't think we're fixing anything here, I don't think there is anything left to fix to be honest," I mumbled, pushing my chair back and hearing it screech across the floor. I was about to rise from it when I heard Larry's shaking voice, not from tears but from anger, the words he spoke cutting through my like a knife.

"I fucked someone else too," He muttered through gritted teeth, lifting his gaze from the table and looking at me. I felt a tingling sensation over my skin, like I was numbed enough to withstand the whole pain, but not completely frozen.

"What?"

"That's why I came here today. I want to tell you that I fucked someone else and beg for your forgiveness. I thought that we were going to talk things through and that we could start again with a fresh slate," Larry's laugh was bitter and nasty as his cold scowl burnt into me, "How wrong was I?"

"Why?"

"Why did I fuck someone else? I don't know, maybe because you were fucking Alex in every spare second you had in here and I thought that maybe I should be allowed to do the same, to be able trample on your heart like you trampled on mine."

"I wasn't asking why you slept with someone else, I was asking why did you come here to tell me that? Why did I need to know that, Larry?" I snapped, clenching my jaw to control the tears that were pooling my eyes.

"It was Polly." I felt like the whole room fell silent when I heard the hostile words, every bit of oxygen in my body leaving and making me feel I was about to fall to the floor. I tried to swallow but my mouth was now bone dry, the sensation making me wanting to choke and throw up the small amount of food that was in my stomach. I couldn't seem to pull my eyes away from Larry's, seeing his soften for the first time and a sense of apology wash over him. The tears that were pooling my eyes before were now streaming down my face as I struggled to capture air.

"Wow," I breathed out, gripping the arms of the chair to control my shaking body, "Wow, you really showed me didn't you? Did you search for someone that would hurt me the most? You picked wel, Larry."

"I didn't want to show you Piper..." Larry said quietly, licking his dry lips as he struggled to find the words. "We didn't even plan it, it just sort of happened. I was angry and Polly has been upset with-"

"Larry please," I pleaded quickly, lifting my hands to stop him from speaking any more. My pulse was thumping past my ears and I chewed on my lip until I tasted blood. When Larry's hand came into my sight as he stretched it across the table, I panicked and pushed my chair back again. I could hear the muffled sound of Larry saying my name but I ignored it as I turned and walked out of the room as fast as I could. I rushed through the strip search, thankful it was Bell who barely bothered to spend time looking, pulling my shirt over my head and leaving as fast as I could. My legs felt weak as I walked, but I pushed the worry of passing out to the back of my mind, just needing to get away from the suffocating room.

…

I smacked my fist against the tiles one more time before I heard the sound of my name ringing through the bathroom, breaking me from the constant swinging of my arm against the hard surface. I refused to turn around when I recognised the voice, groaning into the room at the fact that the last person I wanted to see right now was Alex. I hit the wall one last time, my name being snapped again, before swinging around and walking to the sinks.

"You really need to stop hitting shit when you're fucking angry," Alex laughed as I turned the water on and let it sting against my bleeding knuckles. I felt queasy as I watched the blood drip from my hands and turn the water in the sink pink, pulling my hand out from underneath the stream of water to wash away the thick red liquid.

"What do you want, Alex?" I sighed, looking in the mirror in front of me to see Alex stood behind me. She was leaning against the door of the cubicle, her arms crossed as she flashed a smug smirk at me.

"I'm just saying, I mean first there was Pennsatucky's face and now the bathroom wall. I'm starting to think you have a real problem," Alex mumbled, flashing me another smile as she handed me her roll of toilet paper in her hand when I turned around. I reluctantly accepted it with a smile, ripping some off and placing it on my hand. Drops of blood soaked through but the harder I pressed against my cut knuckles, the more I stopped the bleeding. "Want to tell me what got you so fired up this time? Prince Larry write another shitty article?"

"Why are you doing this, Alex?" I snapped, watching as the smile faded from her face and was replace with confusion.

"Doing what?" She asked coyly, the smile reappearing as she cocked her head to the side and watched me replace the toilet roll on my knuckles with another strip. I hated it when she teased me, making me feel like one of the mules she used to toy with.

"You told me never to come to you again, and I haven't, so why are you being like this? Why are you making it harder for me?"

"Piper, I'm not making it-"

"I understand your decision, I get it," I shrugged my shoulders weakly and just looked down at my hand, wanting to avoid the green eyes that were piercing into me, "I'm fucked up and crazy, I clearly have some weird anger issue going on and I seem to ruin every fucking relationship in my life, especially the ones I care about the most. So I respect you decision, but I not a fucking punch line to your jokes Alex. I am not your punching bag now for when you're pissed off and want to make some sly comment about me, or about Larry, or about my fucking shoe size."

"You think I make you the punch line to my jokes? Don't flatter yourself, Piper," Alex snapped back at me, her voice becoming sterner and making my bleeding hand begin to shake.

"I'm sorry I hurt you again, I really am. I can do what you asked, I can stay away from you, because I know it's for the best. I'm a burden on everyone's life. I've always held you back and I made Larry put his life on hold for me, so I understand why you both want nothing to do with me. I want nothing to with me sometimes, I'm just fucking stuck with me," I sighed weakly, taking the toilet roll off to look at my cut knuckles. I laughed weakly when I realised it would just be more pink scars to add to the collection.

"A burden? What the fuck Piper?""

"I'm stuck with me, but you're not Alex. I'm doing what you asked, so please stop making it harder for me."

"Fine. You know what, fuck you Piper. I came in here because when someone I care about runs past me in the corridor crying, I try and ignore the pissed off feeling I have and go and see if they need me. How fucking wrong was I? You want to play this tortured soul who lives a lonely life and calls herself a burden, then be my fucking guest," Alex snapped, scoffing when I flinched as she grabbed the toilet roll from behind me and slammed the cubicle door closed behind her after she entered.

It took me a second to snap my head back into action, not realising my feet had been moving until I collided with Nicky just outside the bathroom, ignoring her when she mumbled, "That was fucking brutal," and heading straight for my bed, fighting the sobs that were crawling up my throat.

…_._

_As I walked out of the doors I let my tired eyes search the small crowd that was gathered. I dodged past people who stopped to hug their family members, couples kissing around me and only reminding me of the loneliness that was settling in my stomach. I was about to give up looking and just grab a taxi when my eyes fell on Polly and the sign that she was holding in her hand. I laughed weakly when I read, 'My stupid lesbian best friend' before feeling the tears sting my eyes when Polly turned the sign over in her hand and revealed the words, 'I've missed you' written on the other side. As soon as I was close enough Polly discarded the sign that was made out of paper, dropping it on the floor before she threw her arms around me and caused me to stumble back slightly. I gripped onto her just as hard as she was onto me, feeling like the person wrapped around me at the minute was my only lifeline. Tears were choking in my throat, but I swallowed them down and smiled at Polly when she pulled back and looked at me._

"_You look like shit," Polly laughed, grabbing my suitcase and beginning to wheel it out of the airport, her arm linked through mine. We hopped in the first taxi we could get, letting the driver throw my bag in the boot as we waited in the backseat. I stared at my hands, playing with my nails as I felt Polly's eyes burning into me._

"_Poll, I'm going to need you to stop staring at me like I'm fragile."_

"_You fucking look like you are Piper," Polly sighed, stretching her hand out to grab my own and stop my hands from fidgeting. I was waiting for her to say I told you so, to give me a rant about how she always thought Alex was the worst decision I ever made and that leaving to travel the world with her was a horrible idea, so when I heard Polly's soft voice speak again, I couldn't fight the tears any longer._

"_I'm sorry Piper, I really am. I know you loved her," Polly just squeezed my hand softly as tears streamed down my face, the engine starting and the vehicle pulling away from the airport. "I went out and stocked up on ice cream, I even bought some new fancy blanket for you to cocoon yourself in on my couch. It's fur, fake of course."_

"_Thank you."_

"_You'll get through this Piper, you'll be fine. You'll find someone new in no time," Polly chuckled softly before turning to look out of the window, leaving me to just cry softly. I wanted to tell Polly that I didn't want anyone else, that I struggled to imagine a time when I would ever want anyone else. Alex was everything to me, and now I sat in the back of taxi that smelt like my grandmother's soup, feeling like I had nothing. I was completely and utterly lost without her._


	4. When It Rains, It Pours

_I felt like my lungs were burning in my chest as I slowed my run down to a slight jog before walking down the path back towards the luxurious villa that I was still shocked by every time I saw it, even after being here just over 2 weeks. I breathed hard as I opened the door, walking into the bright, spacious building and pulling my head phones from my ears when my whole body froze at the sight of two men sat on the couch. My feet stopped and my hands dropped the headphones, letting them swing and bump off my legs. When their eyes finally lifted to meet mine and a sleazy grin was plastered across their faces, I finally managed to find my feet again and walked down the small steps and over to the kitchen. The men on the couch watched my every move as I opened the fridge to get a bottle of water, opening it and looking out the glass windows to see Alex and another man talking by the pool. Just the sight of her calmed me slightly, letting out a shaky breath as I turned around. I squealed when I noticed one of the men was now within steps of me._

"_Sorry, did I scare you?" He laughed, his friend on the couch looking over, but seeming to be uninterested because he returned to flicking though the channels on the tv. "I didn't know that Vause brought friends with her this time, never mind a cute blonde like you? What's your name, honey?" _

"_Piper," I mumbled, grabbing my headphones from the side and walking around the man. My eyes looked over to Alex again, watching as she noticed me this time and a struggled smile appeared on her face. I smiled weakly back at her, heading in the direction of the bedroom but failing when I felt a hand wrap around my arm._

"_Where you going, Piper? Do you not want to talk?" He asked in shady voice that made my stomach churn, I tugged my arm from his grip, only to feel my stomach plummet again when he stepped closer. I could smell the sweat and cigarettes off of him, clenching my jaw to try and fight the fear that was seeping through me. I opened my mouth to mutter something about a shower, but was cut off by the sound of the door opening and Alex's voice echoing through the villa._

"_Back the fuck off Khalil," Alex snapped, her voice sounding harsher than I had ever heard it before. I swallowed hard and watched as he flashed another sickening grin at me before stepping back and holding his hands up to Alex who was walking over to me. "You okay?" She asked quickly as she cupped my neck, kissing me quickly on the cheek before returning her attention to the man that she had been speaking to outside._

"_Kubra this is Piper, Piper this is Kubra," Alex mumbled quickly, unable to disguise how tense she was beside me when Kubra stretched his hand out to shake mine. I shook it quickly and smiled weakly at the tall man, flinching when his laugh echoed through the high ceiling room._

"_Ah, so you're the one who is ruining my best importer?" Kubra laughed, arching an eyebrow at me and making me feel like an interrogation light was being flashed on me, "It's a lot harder to pick up mules when she can't fuck them you know. So what's so special about you?"_

"_Fuck off Kubra, I still do my job perfectly," Alex snapped, her hand on my back now slowly pushing me away softly, when I looked at her I watched her nod in the direction of the bedroom, telling me to leave. I mumbled a quick goodbye before practically running for the shower. I didn't bother to put my clothes away, pulling them off my body as I walked towards the shower and dropping them on the floor. I turned the water on as hot as I could, feeling it burn my skin as I stood under the spray and waited for the sickening feeling in my stomach to settle. The longer I stood the more I thought about what Kubra said. Was I a burden to Alex's life by ruining her job? Was I stopping her from doing what she really needed to do? And more importantly, or maybe the question I least wanted to think about, what did make me so special and any different from their so called mules?_

_I flinched when I felt arms wrap around me from behind, relaxing when Alex littered kisses across my shoulder and nuzzled her head into my wet hair. I stood frozen for a second before running my hands along her arms and leaning my head back against her, my whole body finally relaxing for the first time since I got back to the villa._

"_I'm sorry," Alex whispered brokenly, her voice breaking the silence after a few minutes. I felt like my heart was being clenched in someone's fist when I heard her voice crack, turning in her arms and cupping her cheek. I didn't give her time to make another apology or to blame herself for thinking they would be gone by the time I got back, instead just crashing my lips against hers and relishing in the moan that I gained from her when I pushed my tongue into her mouth. I pressed her up against the shower wall, wanting to take full advantage of a vulnerable Alex who was actually letting me take control for once. I roamed my hands all over her body, teasing her slyly before finally just cupping her cheeks and kissing her softly, passionately. When we finally pulled away from a lack of air I rested my forehead against hers while she struggled for breath._

"_It's the way that you scrunch your nose up when you try to lie, and how the only thing you can cook is toast, even though you still burn that most of the time. It's because you read books like they're the only thing that will get you through the day. The way that as soon as Polly calls you crying, you grab a tub of ice cream and forget about the stupid argument you had the day before because that doesn't matter anymore. The way you sleep like the dead and how that always make your hair stick up on one side of your head in the morning in an adorable way. It's because your family want you to be this perfect little WASP, and you refuse to bow down to them because you know that you're better. Do you want me to carry on?" Alex asked, her green eyes burning into mine. I watched as she chewed on her lip nervously, waiting for me to comprehend the information I had just been given._

"_What was that?" I asked softly, tickling my fingers through Alex's wet hair and watching as the dorky smile that I loved too much appeared on her face._

"_That's what makes you special Pipes, that's what makes you different," Alex spoke softly, sighing before she cupped my cheek and waited until I looked back up into her eyes, "Please Pipes, please don't think that you are just another mule to me. I love you Piper, you know that, but if I need to give you a different list of what make you special every single day, then I will."_

_I could feel tears stinging the back of my eyes and a lump forming in my throat, but I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to ruin this perfect moment by showing Alex how much I needed to hear that, so instead I captured her lips again and pinned her against the wall underneath the spray of water. The small moans that left Alex's mouth when I dragged my mouth down her neck, sucking and nipping at her skin, only made me want more. I pulled one hand from her wet hair and let it trail down her wet body slowly, feeling every perfect curve underneath my fingertips. I pulled my mouth away from hers for a second, looking deeply into her eyes that were now a filled with desire and a shade of green darker._

"_I know Al, I love you too," I breathed out before slipping my fingers into her growing heat and attaching my lips to her neck again when she arched her back off the wall and moaned out my name, a sound that would forever give me shivers down my spine._

…_.._

I dropped the brush that was in my hand down onto the floor, flopping down onto the front bench in the chapel, watching as Suzanne carried on sweeping the stage while humming to herself. It had been a week since my visitation from Larry and my meltdown with Alex in the bathrooms. The cuts on my knuckles seemed to be the only thing that was heeling, the anger in the pit of my stomach still bubbling, but being beaten every time by the overwhelming tiredness I had to feel anything. I was sick of feeling so weak all the time, coming to conclusion that it was easier to ignore every feeling in my body than deal with them. I had avoided Nicky's constant questions about Alex and my visitation for a week, always leaving as soon as I could whenever she brought the topic up. Whenever I walked into a room and Alex was there, I would turn around and leave before the intense green eyes ever looked up.

"You okay Dandelion? You seem a little blue," Suzanne asked as she carried onto to brush up the never ending amount of dirt that was on the stage. As I watched it made me scrunch my face up in disgust that people had sex in here, the memories of me and Alex flashing into my head and making my heart beat a little harder.

"Suzanne, do you think it's possible to love someone yet hate them at the same time?" I asked softly while I pushed myself up from the bench and grabbed the brush to help her on the stage. I skipped up the steps and began to brush, watching as Suzanne stopped to look at me with a knowing smile on her face.

"Is this about your wife or your fiancé?"

"Alex is not my wife… And Larry isn't my fiancé anymore either," I muttered pathetically, watching as Suzanne just cocked her head waiting for my answer, I exhaled softly before answering, "But I was asking about Alex."

"No, I don't think it's possible. I think the hate is there to just cover up the love, to lie to yourself by letting your brain think you hate her when you don't, you just love her so much it hurts," Suzanne shrugged her shoulders before carrying on brushing as though she had said nothing. I carried on brushing, the only sound filling the chapel being the sounds of the sweeping before Suzanne's voice broke through again. "When I first got here, I had this other wife called Petal…"

"Petal?" I scoffed before looking over to see Suzanne's serious expression, a small apology leaving my lips as I waved her to carry on.

"I loved Petal so much that it hurt me too, her hair was like the sun in the sky. I was the perfect wife, yet she still went and loved someone else. For a very long time I thought I hated her Dandelion, I thought she was the worst person on this whole planet. It was the day after she got released that I realised that I didn't hate her after all, I just hid my love underneath all this hate because it was easier to do that than to feel the love. No one tells you growing up that love hurts? Everyone reads these princess stories and tells you that when you find true love, your world will be complete. No one lets you know about the pain and shit that you have to take when you love someone."

"Have you ever spoken to her since?"

"The day after she got out I was so angry. I felt out of control for the first time in a long time, and I lost it. That was the first time I ever got sent to psych. It was there that I realised hiding your love underneath hatred isn't worth it, it's better just to be honest. That's why I write poetry and clean now, it stops me from hiding my feelings," Suzanne spoke as she put her brush down and began to plug the floor polisher into the socket. "You shouldn't hide your love for your wife under hate, Dandelion. It doesn't get you anywhere."

The sound of the machine echoed through the chapel as Suzanne switched it on and began to clean the floor, flashing me a quick smile before her brow furrowed as she focused on cleaning. I swallowed hard, trying to digest the information. I always knew that when I said I hated Alex I never meant, how could I hate someone I was so madly in love with? It wasn't Alex that I hated, it was who I was when I was with Alex that I hated. I hated the control she had over me, but I gave her that control. I hated the overpowering love I had for her, but I allowed that love to grow. I was weak when it came to Alex, and I always will be. A week ago I had practically begged her to stay away from me because I knew I was too weak to keep up with the deal, I knew I would cave soon and I would run back to her. I couldn't do that, I couldn't pull her down with me anymore. I've never hated Alex, even at her worst. When she was working all hours of the day in Paris, the bed always cold when I woke up and the day going by without me even seeing her, that's when she was at her worst. But I didn't hate her, I hated me. I hated me because I had become this helpless person without her and the fact that I would have done anything to get all of Alex back again was so prominent in my mind, that I scared myself.

….

I walked cautiously into the visitation room, preparing myself to just walk straight back out if the black curls of Larry's hair came into my vision. I glanced around, feeling a strong smile tug at my lips when I took in the sight of Cal pushing up from his chair, my mother next to him grimacing as touched the table. I practically skipped over to them, throwing myself into Cal's strong arms and feeling like his squeeze was finally pulling me back from my dark hole. When he pulled away I looked to my mother, watching as she gave me her best smile.

"Sweetheart, what have you done to your hair? And those dark circles under your eyes are not attractive, you need to sleep more. Are you sleeping?" My mother asked as she pulled a small tissue from her pocket and wiped at the table before leaning forward onto it. I rolled my eyes as I heard Cal chuckle from beside her.

"I just need to get my hair cut, it's fine, I can get Sophia to fix it," I shrugged softly, turning to Cal to ask him about Neri but not managing to before my mother's voice chirped in my ear again.

"I really don't understand why you got punished for defending yourself, it was clearly self-defence. You should never have been put in solitary, it's clearly damaged you. You look dreadful, doesn't she look dreadful Cal?"

"Terrible," Cal deadpanned, rolling his eyes and slouching in his chair as my mother carried on.

"What did they expect you to do? Just let yourself be killed by this psychotic woman. You are not some animal Piper, you should never have been put in a cage, and to think-"

"Mom, stop," I snapped, watching as my mother's mouth bobbed up and down, "What I did was more than self-defence, I put someone in hospital. She isn't even back in prison yet, she had to get new teeth for fuck's sake…"

"Piper, language," My mother breathed out tiredly.

"If the prison had baked me a cake and celebrated with me for beating the shit out of Pennsatucky then even I would think that the justice system is fucked up. I deserved to be down there mom, I fucked someone's face up with my own hands."

"Piper, would you watch your language!"

"Jesus mom, I'm 33 years old, stop correcting my fucking language!" I barked back at her, watching my mother just purse her lips before sitting back in her chair. Cal coughed softly to clear his voice before asking whether she could go and get him something to eat from the vending machines, smiling thankfully at her as she grabbed her purse and stormed away from the table.

"So, now that she's gone, want to tell me why your knuckles are so fucked up and you look like death? I've been in a fight before Piper, I may have been embarrassingly beaten up, but I still got a few punches in. Which means I know that your hand should have been healed by now, it's been 2 months."

"I punched a wall," I mumbled, covering up my right hand that was covered in cuts by putting it under the table, sighing when Bell barked at me to have my hands in clear sight at all times.

"Jesus Piper, you're not actually going crazy are you? I read that people can just lose it in prison and go like, documentary type crazy. Am I going to have to sit through an interview and tell stories about you to a camera crew when they ask about what you used to be like before you went crazy and started using the word 'fuck' in every sentence and punching walls?"

"No, I'm fine Cal, honestly. I was just… having a bad day," I shrugged my shoulders and looked over my shoulder to see my mother struggling to work the vending machine.

"Anything to do with your drug importing ex-girlfriend slash current girlfriend? Who, by the way, I would really like to meet someday. I want to see how hot she really is, see whether all of this is worth it."

I leant forward to hit Cal over the head but stopped when my mother reappeared with a small bag of pretzels and a chocolate bar, placing them down on the table with a proud smile from managing to work the vending machine.

"Now Piper, we did actually come and visit you today for a reason..." My mother started, rolling her eyes when Cal opened the bag of pretzels and began to pop one after another into his mouth.

"Oh, so you didn't just come to see your foul mouthed daughter because you missed her? Good to know."

"It's about your grandmother Piper…"

….

"Chapman, are you fucking crazy? Get back inside now before I send you to psych!" I heard O'Neil barking behind me. I looked over my shoulder to see him leaning out the door, the arm of his shirt being soaked through by the rain that was pouring down. I wanted to run away and just go and lie in the middle of the field, letting the feeling of the rain hitting my face take over for a few hours. I sighed deeply as I turned, walking back towards the door and ignoring O'Neil's questions about whether I needed to go and see a counsellor. When I walked back through the door eyes flickered to me as they walked past. I looked down to see my orange jacket completely soaked through, my hair sticking to my neck whenever I moved my head. I brushed it away from my face and wiped the rain off, not knowing whether it was rain or my tears mixed in.

I walked slowly down the corridors, feeling my heavy eyes become weaker as I walked in the door to the Suburbs. Alex eyes flicked to me instinctively like they always did, but instead of being dragged away like the sight of me had burnt her eyes, this time they followed me as I walked past her bunk and headed into mine. I was thankful that Red wasn't in her bed, pulling my dripping jacket from my body and my soaked beige shirt from underneath off as well. I pulled the grey jumper over my head and kicked my boots off before climbing into the bed and pulling the scratchy blanket all the way up my neck. Everything for the past hour felt like a blur as I lay there, the faint haziness of my mother's voice in my head as she spoke. My grandmother wasn't just sick, she was dying. She was going to die while I was in here, and I wouldn't be there to hold her hand and tell her how I much I love her. I wouldn't be able to tell her that everything will okay, the way she had told me over and over when I was younger. I remember just after my grandfather had died, I had been terrified. I didn't know what death was back then and I was so confused that it scared me, but as soon as my grandmother took my hand and told me everything was going to be okay, I wasn't scared anymore.

I buried my head into my pillow when the sobs took over my body again, not knowing I could hate myself as much as I did in this moment. My grandmother was dying and I wouldn't be able to say goodbye because of something stupid that I had done. I blinked the tears out of my eyes when I noticed a figure stood at the edge of my cube, wiping my eyes quickly to see Nicky smiling at me softly. She walked in and sat on the end of my bed by my feet, letting out a deep exhale before speaking.

"Want to talk about it?" She asked, waiting for me to answer, but all I did was shake my head against the pillow, "I know about your visitation the other day you know, one of the Spanish chicks was in there and she heard the whole thing. You know how gossip spreads in this place, it's like high school."

"I don't care about Larry," I mumbled weakly, surprising myself at the fact that it was true. For the first time in a week I couldn't care less about Larry, I couldn't change that. We were over now and I was fine with that, the anger I felt was never really towards Larry in the first place anyway, but more towards the deceit and betrayal from Polly.

"Is this about Vause? I know you two have a lot of shit to sort out still, me and Morello were thinking of locking you both in the fridge in the kitchen and not letting you out until you sorted this out. All this dyke drama is too hard to keep up with."

"It's not about Alex," I whispered, hearing my voice crack when I said her name. I wanted to push myself up and go and crawl into her bed, knowing that her arms around me would stop the feeling that I was falling. She would ground me and hold me until my tears stopped, but the more I thought about why I couldn't the harder I cried.

"Shit Chapman, you've got to give me something here. Do you want me to get Vause? She may be a stubborn fuck but I think I could get her over here…" Nicky looked over to wall as she considered the idea, making me smile softly when I realised that I had actually made a true friend while I was in here, something I never imagined when I surrendered myself. I had been arrogant and egotistical when I came here, the idea of becoming friends with a criminal sounding alien, that was until I realised I was no different, I was a criminal too.

"My grandmother is dying." I pushed myself up from the bed so I was now leaning against the wall, pulling my legs up to my chest and leaning my chin on my knees. I laughed softly when a toilet roll fell over from the other side of wall were Lorna was, ripping a sheet off and wiping my tears as Nicky sighed and leant back next to me.

"My Aunt Pearl." Was all Nicky said as she crossed her legs and played with my blanket between her fingers. I scrunched my face in confusion before turning my head to look at her.

"What?"

"My aunt Pearl was my first family member to die while I was in here. I wasn't even close to her, but it hit me like a fucking wall. It reminded me that there was still this shitty world going on outside of these walls and I couldn't do anything about it. The woman may have smelt like soup all the time and always rambled on about Elvis Presley, but she was my aunt, and I couldn't go to her funeral. It fucking killed me just to think I couldn't do anything, people told me about furlough but I didn't even bother with it, it seemed pointless, you know? Anyway, the falling feeling will go soon, Chapman. You'll forget about the outside world again and re-join the prison bubble."

"My grandmother means everything to me, she practically raised me," I mumbled, watching as Nicky laughed softly and nudged her shoulder against mine.

"You can join my club, it's called 'The Missing Mothers Club'," Nicky suggested, a smile tugging at my lips before a chuckle broke from my lips. More tears spilled over from my eyes before I wiped them quickly. The silence of my cube was broken slightly by the sound of Alex's voice as she spoke to Lorna behind, asking to borrow her hairbrush for a second. "Still feel like you're a burden on her life?"

"Nicky, don't…" I mumbled.

"I'm not going to get involved Chapman, this is between you and Vause, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to tell when I don't understand something… And I don't understand you and Vause," Nicky sighed as she shook her head, ripping up a bit of toilet paper in her fingers as she spoke. "I've never seen two people love each other like you two, whatever happened in the past between you two must have been something fucking special. So here's a small suggestion, stop running away from her and just be honest with each other for once."

"I can't Nicky, she told me to stay away from her."

"Fuck what she said Chapman, do you really think she meant that? Do you really think that she is happy over there? Because she doesn't look like she's fucking prancing around with happiness if you ask me."

I just smiled weakly, shrugging my shoulders and watching as Nicky groaned frustrated. She opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by Fischer appearing at the entrance to my cube, telling me that Caputo wanted me in his office now. I frowned in confusion but pushed myself up, following Fischer as she walked. I kept my eyes trained to the floor when I walked past Alex's cube, refusing to glance in her direction and only fuel the anxiety bubbling in my stomach.

…

I sat motionless on the hard chair in front of Caputo's desk, waiting for the almost inevitable news that he was about to deliver. I had been wondering why he hadn't spoken to me yet, why he hadn't added the time on yet. Maybe it had taken a while to decide how long it would be, many possibilities wracking through my head. 10 months? A year? 15 months? When the door behind us opened I didn't even bother to lift my head, but as soon as the familiar chuckle filled the room I felt every muscle in my body tighten, my eyes lifting when the sight of Doggett beside me came into my vision.

"It's been a while College, how you doing? How's your hand? My face is fine by the way, I got new teeth though, wanna' see?" She asked, leaning down and sticking her face right in front of mine before I ever had the chance to answer. I didn't look at her new straight teeth though, my eyes were drawn to the scars that were visible on her cheeks and the darkness that filled her eyes as she smirked at me.

"Everyone loves your new teeth Doggett, now take a seat," Caputo muttered before Pennsatucky moved to the seat next to me, a shitting eating grin still plastered on her face. I couldn't pull eyes away from the scars, knowing I had put them there made me want to throw up.

"I told them I wanted them to be like Lady Gaga's because she's got killer teeth," Pennsatucky mumbled as she ran her tongue along her teeth, her words sounding muffled when she spoke. "You've got nice teeth haven't you Chapman, they real?"

"Yes," I croaked out.

"Did you have braces when you were Baby Chapman?" Doggett asked, Caputo's voice booming through the room and making me jump.

"As much as I am loving this little bonding session, can we move onto something other than teeth? So, I thought I would just bring you two together now that Doggett is being reintegrated back into the prison. Neither of you are having time put onto your sentences because it was self-defence, however if anything else happens then the punishment will be severe. I want you to both stay out of trouble, understand?"

"I've been speaking the God a lot recently, not much else to do with my time, and even though he still thinks lesbians are disgusting slit licking creatures, he thinks that my behaviour towards Chapman may have been a little aggressive. It won't happen again, can't risk ruining my new shiny teeth," Pennsatucky grinned, looking between us both as she flashed her teeth.

"Well, that's very good. You can both go back now," Caputo sighed, flicking his hands to tell us to get out. I watched as Pennsatucky smiled one last time, winking at me as she walked past and closed the door behind her.

"Can I ask you about furlough? My grandmother is sick and I would really like to say goodbye to her, she means a lot to me," I asked, watching Caputo take his glasses off and sigh, rubbing his eyes that looked almost as tired as mine did.

"Chapman, the chances of any regular inmate getting furlough are incredibly slim, never mind an inmate who's being involved in altercations while here."

"Can you at least try? I would really love to say goodbye and see her one last time… Please."

"I'll see what I can do Chapman."


	5. Fake Furlough And True Love

"Furlough isn't fucking real, I'm telling you. It's like true love… It's just some bullshit that everyone tries to sell to you so that you can believe in something better, but it never fucking happens. All it does is give people hope, I mean look at fucking Chapman, she's been looking at Caputo like he's God every time he walks past." Big Boo's voice bellowed as she let out a hearty chuckle before taking a large bite of her sandwich and grinning wide enough for everyone to see the contents in her mouth as she chewed. I just kept my eyes trained on my tray in front of me, using my spoon to flick my yoghurt around in the pot.

"I don't know, I believe in it," Morello commented as she sipped on her steaming coffee, all eyes on the table including mine now looking up at her.

"Furlough?" Boo laughed, arching her eyebrow as she drained the rest of her water from her cup and slammed it down hard enough against the table to make me flinch. I could feel Alex's green eyes on me, watching from right in front of me. When she arrived at the table a few minutes ago and had been forced to sit in the only empty seat, which I'm more than positive Nicky and Lorna deliberately arranged, I had wanted to run, but the grip of Nicky's hand on my thigh had kept me cemented to the seat.

"No, furlough is a load of shit… No offense Chapman. I meant true love, I believe in that," Morello ignored the scoff that came from Nicky next to me. I just smiled weakly at Lorna before hearing Boo's loud laugh echo over the table again.

"Are you fucking kidding me? No true love ever lasts… I mean, Chapman and Vause are a prime fucking example. They were all loved up a few months ago and now look at them, Chapman can't even look at her!" Boo started to laugh but let it fade into coughing when the entire table fell silent. I swallowed hard and forced a struggled smile onto my face, looking to Alex to see her stern eyes just focused on the orange she was peeling.

"That's different though, they've gone through a lot of shit. In the past and while in prison… I mean like proper true love, like me and Christopher," Morello commented, Nicky was now groaning and slamming her head, while making fake sick sounds, down onto the table at the mention of Christopher. When Morello began to shout at Nicky for being inconsiderate of her feelings I flashed a quick glance at Alex to see her looking right back at me, her eyes looking almost dead if it wasn't for the sadness that was clear in them.

"So what you're saying is that if a relationship is tested too much, then the concept of true love no longer relates to them? That completely defeats the purpose Morello… Nichols, sort your girl out," Boo laughed, not hearing the mumble of Nicky's voice against the table as she snapped that Morello wasn't her girl anymore. I couldn't help but smirk when even I heard the sadness and longing in Nicky's whine. "Chapman and Vause have-"

"Boo, I'm going to need you to shut the fuck up and about me and Piper." Every set of eyes, including my shocked ones, turned to look at Alex. She was still peeling her orange but her lifeless eyes were now filled with the anger that I knew all too well, her glare aimed at Boo across the table. Nicky lifted her head from the table, now interested in the turn in conversation, leaning her head on her hand as she watched Boo chuckle at the sight of an angry Alex. I cringed when Boo chuckled, wanting to tell her that laughing at an angry Alex was a bad idea.

"I'm sorry Vause, I didn't know you were still so touchy when it came to Chapman. I thought that since you fucked her over, you would be happy to watch her squirm at the mention of your relationship…"

"Alex never fucked me over," I blurted out, all eyes now turning to me and making me squirm in my seat the exact same way Boo had mentioned. I looked to Nicky next to me and rolled my eyes as I took in the amused smile on her face, watching as she nodded her head and told me to continue. I coughed softly to clear my throat, pushing my hair behind my ears and playing with the yoghurt in front of me again, "Alex didn't fuck me over, I was the one who… Ended it."

"Oh, so now I get why you're so angry Vause, still trying to get over Chapman here? She is hot, I mean, I would fuck her till next Tuesday if she gave me a chance."

"Just use a different fucking analogy," Alex snapped harshly, pushing her glasses up onto her head to pull her hair out of her face.

"Wow, this aggressive side of you is totally turning me on, is that what turned you on Chapman? Or was it those glasses?"

"Fuck off, Boo," Was all Alex managed, Morello trying to cut in to change the conversation to the weather, but failing when Boo's voice echoed over the table again.

"A little cut up that she chose the fiancé over you?" Boo laughed but stopped when Nicky shoved her elbow into her. I turned to Alex to see her clenching her jaw, watching as she just muttered something about work before grabbing her tray and getting up. I opened my mouth to say her name but felt like my voice was being held back, my eyes just watching as she left the room. I glared at Boo, feeling my anger spike when she just shrugged her shoulders and told me that she would 'tap' me whenever I wanted it.

….

I walked slowly into the laundry room, the bucket of water that I was dragging behind me echoing off the walls as the wheels chugged against the dirty floor. I exhaled tiredly before dunking the mop into the bucket and beginning to wipe at the floor, noticing that the floor turned a brighter shade of white when I removed the layer if grime. My stomach clenched in disgust as I ringed the mop out, looking up to see glares from Leanne and the rest of Pennsatucky's crew. My eyes searched for Alex, landing upon her at the far end of the room. I watched as she opened one of the dryers, pulling out a pile of washing and walking towards me and the direction of the table. Her step faltered slightly when she noticed me, before carrying on and beginning to fold the bedding. Her glasses were pushed up on top of her head, pulling her hair back from her face and revealing her tired eyes. I swallowed hard, wanting to move my legs and go to her, but stopped when the sound of the voice behind me made me flinch.

"You not on electric anymore, College?" Pennsatucky asked from behind me, coming into sight as she walked around in front of me with a pile of clothes bundled up in her arms. I just shook my head softly, my eyes flashing over Pennsatucky's shoulder to see Alex now watching us from the corner of her eye. "You don't talk much anymore, it saddens me…"

"I have nothing to say," I muttered, beginning to run the mop along the floor again and focusing my attention on that rather than on Pennsatucky who was still stood watching me.

"You sure had plenty to say when you disrespected me," Pennsatucky chuckled, the laughter filled with animosity and anger. I swallowed hard and lifted my eyes to see the grin still plastered on her face, a shiver running down my spine when I caught a glimpse of her scars.

"I thought- You said in Caputo's office the other week that you were past it, that you weren't going to bother me anymore," I spoke, nearly rolling my eyes at how pathetic I sounded. I reminded myself of someone who was asking the bullies in school not to steal my lunch and shove me. I wanted to look over to Alex to see whether she was ready to save me if Pennsatucky went fucking crazy again, but I was too scared to drag my eyes away from the cold ones staring at me.

"You're right Chapman, I did say that I wouldn't do anything to you anymore, but I was talking about me when I said that. You see, God only spoke to me, he didn't speak to any of my friends and they're all a little upset because they haven't seen me for a while… And I got new teeth," Pennsatucky spoke, stepping closer to me and making my hand shake as I gripped onto the mop in my hand, "I can only speak for myself, so I just thought I should give you a little heads up that my friends are angry, and I'm not totally sure on what their stance is when it comes to aggression. Do you understand what I'm saying, College?"

"What do you want from me? There's only so many times I can apologise for something that was my opinion anyway… What happened to forgiveness? Or do you pick and choose what you believe in, sort of like trying to kill someone."

"Are you disrespecting me again Chapman? Did I not make myself clear last time?" Pennsatucky practically growled, stepping even closer to me. I swallowed hard and tried to fight the shaking that was growing over my body, flinching when I heard a stern voice again, yet this time it wasn't Pennsatucky.

"Back the fuck off Doggett, right now," I looked up to see Alex setting the bed sheet that was in her hand down, walking towards us in few easy steps due to her long legs, "Do you remember what I told you I would do to you if you mentioned her name? Well, if you or your stupid fucking legion of followers even look at her, I will do that every single night to you. Over and over. I will do it so perfectly that you will lie awake at night waiting for me to sneak over to you, begging me to do it."

"Calm down Vause, Chapman and I are friends now," Pennsatucky swung her arm around my shoulder but barely had it rested when Alex grabbed her by the collar of her shirt and shoved her backwards. I stumbled slightly from the force and watched as Alex pinned Pennsatucky up against the line of dryers, the slamming sound of Pennsatucky's body echoing through the room and catching the attention of everyone in the room.

"I swear to your little perfect God, I will fucking kill you myself if you or your crew touch her. I will make what she did to you, look like a fucking walk in the park Doggett. So take your fucking 'she disrespected me' bullshit somewhere else, and leave her the fuck alone."

"Why are you defending someone who doesn't care about you? I heard that she picked her outside world over you… I'm not surprised she doesn't love you," Pennsatucky began to chuckle softly. I stepped closer to them slowly before feeling my body lunge forward when Alex swung her hand back, wrapping my hand around hers before she had the chance to swing it forward. The colour had drained from Pennsatucky's face as she fluttered her eyes open, confused as to why she hadn't felt the contact.

"Alex don't, please," I begged softly, wrapping an arm around Alex's waist and pulling her back softly. It surprised me how easily I found it to pull her away from Doggett, remembering from past experience that it used to take a lot of begging to stop Alex from hitting some pervert who had grabbed my ass in a club. Pennsatucky slouched down the wall a little when Alex's weight was off her, her eyes looking almost scared. I watched as she coughed softly, muttering something about going to the toilet to her crew before disappearing. I wondered whether she was still haunted by the night, whether the sight of Alex about to punch her had reminded her of the way I had swung at her. It annoyed me that she probably didn't remember that night and therefore wasn't actually haunted by the memories like I was, but by the idea of being punched again. I snapped my thoughts back when I felt Alex tug my arm from her waist, pushing me away softly.

"I'm fine," She muttered, walking straight back over to the table and continuing to fold the bedding as though nothing had happened. I glared at Pennsatucky's crew as I walked over to her, watching as they all now averted their eyes and carried on stuffing clothes into the machines. When I got the table I felt like an idiot as I just stood there and watched her fold, not knowing what to say. Alex finally sighed, dropping the sheet onto the table and looking at me. She raised her eyebrows and jutted her head at me before snapping, "What?"

"Thank you… For helping me," I spoke weakly, pointing over my shoulder to where Alex had just had Pennsatucky pinned up against the machines. Alex just shrugged her shoulders making me feel frustrated. I wanted to shake her until the Alex I knew reappeared. "I'm sorry I shouted at you a few weeks ago in the toilets… When you were trying to help me?"

"Just forget about it Piper," Alex muttered, folding another sheet and setting it onto the growing pile. I lifted a sheet from the pile and began to fold it, needing something to distract my hands from grabbing Alex and pulling her into me until I found the Alex I had seemed to have pushed too far away. My head was in a constant state of confusion when it came to Alex. I should be glad that Alex was this new withdrawn person, because then the person that I missed so much that sometimes it was hard to breathe, wasn't there anymore. But at the same time, it made me feel sick to think that I had maybe done that to her. That maybe I had pushed her so far away that I would never see my Alex again, and that scared me more than seeing her and never getting to be with her.

"Alex…"

"Piper, please. Just go," Alex now snapped, but her voice didn't sound angry or harsh, just tired and defeated, "I'm sorry about your grandmother by the way, I know how much she means to you."

My eyes began to sting when the tears hit them, my mouth bobbing up and down as Alex just continued to stare at the sheets and not at me. I nodded weakly, setting my badly folded sheet down onto the table and turning around. I forced my feet to walk and my eyes not to look behind me as I grabbed the bucket and began to roll it out of the laundry room.

…..

"She was totally hot, I'm being serious she turned me on," I heard Big Boo speaking as I walked into the room and headed over to the table. I flopped down into one of the chairs, my eyes watching the shark programme that was on the tv and sighing irritated when Boo's voice was heard once again. "Hey Chapman, Vause always had a temper like that?"

"She only has a temper when people deliberately try and piss her off, maybe you should leave her alone and she wouldn't snap at you," I sighed back, crossing my arms and looking over to Boo when I heard her scoff.

"I didn't even say anything…"

"You know how you get when people talk about Little Boo?" Nicky sighed as turned around in her chair, flashing me a quick smile before looking back to Boo whose face had fallen at the mention of the name, "Well that's how Vause gets when you mention Chapman here. She may fucking hate Chapman 90% of the time, but she's hers to hate. Do you know what I mean? You don't mess with Vause when it comes to Chapman, she's like a crazy fucking protective pit-bull with a bone."

"Well someone needs to put her on a leash then, I heard that she went bat shit crazy on Doggett…" Boo muttered, sticking her finger into her ear and wiggling it about before pulling it out and inspecting the orange substance that was now on the end.

"You might not want to say these things when she's around, she's a little… Short tempered recently. You doing alright, Chapman?" I hadn't been focusing on the conversation, a small grunt just leaving my lips as I tried to fight the memory that was forcing itself into my head.

…

_His lips had been rough and aggressive against mine, the smell of his breath still making my stomach churn as I shoved through the crowds and headed in the direction of the toilets. I had struggled to shove him off of me, only a small desperate squeal leaving my lips making him realise that his tongue in my mouth was out of line. My hands were shaking as I tried to fight through the small gaps in between the people, glancing over my shoulders to only feel my stomach plummet when he seemed to be following me. Did he thinking I was heading to the toilets to fuck him in there? I shoved harder and squeezed through until I was out into a thinner corridor, the sound of the pumping music not as loud anymore. When his hand grabbed at my shoulder and spun me around I barely had time to shove him off before his lips were attached to my neck again, his sloppy tongue trailing down and making me shiver in a way that I never wanted to feel again. My hands struggled to shove him away, my voice seeming to be stuck in my throat along with my heartbeat that was thumping so loud I could barely speak._

"_Come on baby, don't tease me," He laughed as he pushed me up against the wall, his hands now trailing up my body and groping at my breast through my thin top. I yelped when his hands moved harshly against my body, his teeth biting my neck. I managed to push him away a small amount by kicking my foot into his shin, watching as he stumbled backwards and a glare took over his face when the pain clearly hit his leg. "What the fuck?"_

"_Get the fuck off me," I snapped, trying to move but being cut off by his arms that was now up against the wall next to my head. I tried to duck underneath it but was stopped by his hard hand that shoved me back against the wall, knocking the air out of my lungs for a second._

"_Don't be such a fucking tease, I saw the way you were looking at me."_

"_I wasn't looking at you, I was fucking dancing. Let me fucking go," I barked, shoving at his hands and only letting out a sharp cry when he grabbed my hands between his and held them with enough force that my shoving was no longer doing anything. My vision was becoming blurred with the panic that was bubbling uncontrollably in me, dodging my head to the side when he leant in to kiss me. I wanted to scream but every time I looked at his eyes in front of me I felt a sting of fear from his cold blue eyes, my voice constantly becoming stuck as I just struggled against his grip. I shoved as hard as I could again before I felt something smack me across the head, my legs stumbling as I grappled against the wall to stay on my feet. I blinked a couple of times in an attempt to refocus my completely blurred eyes, spinning round to see the guy that had me pinned up against the wall just a second ago now holding his nose, trying to stop the blood was gushing through his fingers. My eyes darted to Alex who was swearing as she held her hand before she looked up to me. _

"_Shit, Pipes, are you okay?" She asked quickly as she stepped over to me, cupping my cheek. I think my head must have been wobbling due to how much my head was spinning, my hazy eyes having to keep searching for Alex intense green ones. She kept her hand on my cheek, her thumb running along it and giving me a shiver that was so different to the last one, moving her other hand round to back of my head and puling it back to reveal red liquid._

"_That's why you shouldn't punch people Al, it makes your hand bleed," I mumbled weakly, trying to grab at her hand to see how bad it was and hearing her soft chuckle as she grabbed my hands to stop them from moving. It was exactly the way the guy had been holding them before, yet this time the only thing I felt was safe. I felt a dorky smile spread out across my face, muttering the only thing that was in my head, "I love how safe you make me feel."_

"_Clearly not safe enough, it's not me bleeding Pipes, it's you. He must have pushed you and made you hit your head when I pushed him," Alex spoke softly as she wiped her red coloured fingers on her top and looked straight at me again. As I looked at her glasses I couldn't stop my finger from stretching up and poking at the lens, loving the small laugh that cracked from her mouth, making me poke again. The laughter stopped when the guy from before was now stumbling back over, dried blood all around his face and over his hand, it made me feel queasy to look at, burying my face into Alex's neck to forget the image of all the blood._

"_Who the fuck are you? Get your own fucking girl, I found this one first," The guy snapped, his hand being placed on Alex's shoulder as he tried to pull her away from me. My stomach lurched when I watched him touch Alex, but I didn't have time to think before Alex was stepping away from me and ramming the guy up against the other wall. My legs felt weak when I didn't have the weight of Alex's body up against me and I was pretty sure I was beginning to slouch down the wall as I watched Alex thrust her knee up and leave the guy crippled as he gasped for air._

"_She is my fucking girl, now fuck off before I damage something permanently," Alex snapped, kicking her foot weakly at the guy on the floor._

"_Fuck Blondie, put your fucking girlfriend on a leash," The guy shouted as Alex linked her fingers through mine and began to drag my wobbly legs in what I assumed was the direction of the exit. Everything was hazy as we pushed past it and it wasn't until the cold night air hit my face that I realised we were outside, stumbling after Alex as she pulled me over to a nearby bench and pushed me down on it._

"_You called me your girl, that was cute. Who would have thought Alex Vause could be so adorable?" I giggled like a school child, watching Alex just smirk and roll her eyes at me as she used the light of her phone to look at the cut on the back of my head. I could feel her fingers tickling through my head as she parted my hair, making me giggle until she pushed on something and sent a jolt of pain through my head. I flinched away but was pulled back by Alex as she muttered a quick apology. "Alex, I don't want to go to the hospital, they scare me."_

"_Pipes, I think you might have a concussion, I'd feel better if we went and had someone check it out. I don't think the cut is deep enough for stitches though…"_

"_Then I'm fine, I'll just sleep it off."_

"_Pipes," Alex sighed, looking at me with her pleading eyes and just groaning when I flashed her another dorky grin and felt her pull me up them, "Fine, let's get you home then. Remind me tomorrow when you're not as cute and cuddly that I need to teach you how to punch someone."_

"_But if I know how to punch someone, I wouldn't have you to always save me."_

"_What if I'm not there to save you? What would you have done then?" Alex asked seriously as she waved down a taxi that was driving past, opening the door for me and holding my already damaged head as I ducked in and crawled across the seat. As Alex rattled off our address I watched the driver roll his eyes at me, clearly thinking I was drunk._

"_You underestimate me Alex Vause, I'm a woman of many talents. If you had given me another thirty seconds I totally could have taken that dude down, I'm like the hulk when I get going," I sighed, leaning my head on Alex shoulder and feeling it vibrate as she laughed softly. I watched her fingers link through mine again and her thumb ran across the back of my hand, drawing small circles onto my skin and making me breathe out my only thought, "I love you Alex."_

"_I love you too, Pipes," She whispered back, the feeling of her lips being pressed against my forehead making me sigh contently._

…..

"Yo Chapman, you in there?" Nicky snapped while clicking her fingers in front of my face. I swallowed to clear my throat and just hummed in response as Nicky and Morello laughed at me, "I asked about your grandmother, you heard anything since?"

"I don't know, I haven't called since three days ago," I spoke weakly.

"Why?" Morello asked, pulling her chair around so that she was no longer watching the shark programme but was instead looking at me. I glanced at the tv and grimaced when I watched a shark attacking a seal, pulling my eyes back to Morello and just shrugging.

"I don't know, I was going to call every day but it sort of becomes exhausting to ring and just have my mother give me the same information over and over. Also, it means I get a lengthy shouting from her every time because she's just found out that Larry and I are no longer 'Larry and I'."

"How did she find out?" Nicky asked as she flicked through the deck of cards that were in her hands, sending a faint waft of urine my way.

"He emptied all my clothes into boxes and dropped them off at my mother's. That prick knows that moving in with my mother when I get out of here is worse than fucking SHU."

"Men can be such fuckers, that's why I'm strictly pussy… Even then, some pussy can fuck you over just as bad," Nicky sighed as she continued putting the card into different piles, not looking up to see the hurt look on Morello's face or the amused smirk on mine.

…

"_An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison is attempting to contact you. To accept the call, please press one_," I listened as the voice cracked down the phone, leaning my exhausted body back against the wall and fluttering my eyes closed. I had spent the past hour scrubbing the showers in the Ghetto, doing anything to get my mind away from Alex. Her sad eyes had been haunting me the whole time, the way I felt like I had been talking to a completely different Alex. The way she had pushed my away from her when I pulled her backwards, not even realising that was the first time I had touched her in weeks.

"Piper?" I frowned when my name spoken down the phone was Cal's voice instead of my mothers who I had called. I held the phone closer to my ear as I pushed off the wall, confusion floating around my already cloudy head.

"Cal? Where's mom?" I asked quickly, hearing the sound of the background voices disappear as Cal clearly walked outside from wherever he was. I chewed on my nail before adding quickly, "I haven't heard back from Caputo yet about my furlough. How's gran, is she doing any better?"

"Piper…"

"Have you been to visit her recently? Have you told her that I'm trying to get out to see her?" I fired at Cal, the only sound I could hear on the other end of the phone being Cal's soft sigh. When silence filled the line, panic suddenly spiked in my chest. "Cal?"

"Grandmother died late last night Piper, she passed in her sleep. Everyone is round at the house now eating sandwiches that are too small to even consist of more than two bites and telling stories from 20 years ago… God, she would hate this. Piper, I'm really sorry that you didn't get out in time, but she knew how much you loved her."

"No." I breathed out, feeling my grip on the phone becoming looser as I just repeated myself, my legs beginning to shake. "I was- I was going to get out, I was going to say goodbye. I didn't get to say goodbye."

"I said it for you Piper, she knew how you felt," Cal said softly over the sounds of the sobs that were now beginning to escape from my lips. My body fell backwards against the wall, the crying woman next to me looking at me worriedly as I just cried into the phone. I could hear Cal speaking, telling me about how he had spent the day in our parent's house, but I couldn't concentrate on anything. My weak legs now felt as though they weren't there when Cal spoke again, "Are you going to be okay Piper? Is there someone that you can maybe speak to about this? Piper?"

I opened my mouth to speak, but instead to letting my voice come out I dropped the phone as my weak legs finally gave way and my body slid down the wall. My vision was blurred by the tears that were streaming down my face and apart from the Cal's words repeating over and over in my head, all I could hear was my blood pumping past my ears. The phone was dangling beside me as I buried my head into my knees, loud sobs echoing through the corridors as I struggled to catch a proper breath.

"Chapman, on your feet now!" I heard the guard that was stood by the wall shouting, my head just shaking weakly in between my knees as I gripped at my legs to fight the shaking in my hands, "Chapman, don't make me send you to psych, on your feet now inmate!"

"Chapman?" I lifted my head slightly at the recognisable voice, seeing the blurred outlines of Morello and Nicky.

"That's it inmate, I'm writing you a shot and taking you to psych…"

"She's going through some family things, that's not necessary. She just needs to sleep it off, we'll take her back to her cube, she'll be fine, honestly," Morello spoke as I felt a hand winding under my arms and pulling me up.

"Shit Piper," Nicky sighed from next to me as I felt her arm wrap around me and my body beginning to be dragged in the direction of the suburbs, "I told you it hits like a fucking wall."

The walk to my cube had mostly consisted of my sobbing body being dragged by a swearing Nicky, with Morello alongside stroking my hair and wiping my tears telling me that I could borrow her teddy that had sewn to cuddle tonight, which only made me cry harder. When we got to the cube even I heard the groan from Red as Nicky set me down on the bed, curling myself up into a ball to fight the sick that was curdling in my stomach and rising in my throat. I felt like the falling feeling was back again and this time it was so overpowering that when I opened my eyes the dizziness made everything feel as though it was spinning.

"What happened?" Red asked, Nicky answering for me and filling her in quickly on the situation. I rolled over so that I was facing the wall, feeling Morello sit on the end of the bed my feet and touch my leg softly, the contact barely helping me. Another sob wracked through my body, my cries filling the cube that was now silent. I could feel Morello pulling my boots off my feet, frowning in confusion when I felt another person behind me, their hand gently resting on my arm. I heard a small amount of shuffling before the soft voice that whispered in my ear caused me to shiver.

"Pipes, turn around," She whispered gently, her hand tickling up my arms and pulling my hair away from my face, I clenched my eyes closed when I heard her voice. This was exactly what she didn't want, this was me running to her again with yet another one of my problems. I shook my head lightly and felt her hot breath on the back of my neck when she sighed, "Pipes, look at me. Please."

When the faint sound of her voice hit my ear one more time and her hot breath caused yet another shiver, I forced my shaky body to roll over on the bed. As soon as I took in the sight of Alex's green eyes peering at me and the gentle smile tugging at her lips, I felt like I was finally being caught. I wasn't falling anymore as she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me forward. My head was buried in her neck and her smell was overpowering me. The Alex that was holding me right now was my Alex, this was the Alex that I had been missing so much that I couldn't breathe sometimes, and now I was in her arms again. I didn't want to be anywhere else ever again, this was my home. No one could ever compare to this and it perplexed me that I ever considered the idea that Larry would be good enough.

I gripped on her shirt and pulled her even closer to me, our bodies touching in every way possible. I was waiting for her to pull away or to push me off, to tell that I wasn't supposed to come to her with my problems. But when I felt her lips being pressed against my forehead and the soft sound of her whispering in my ear that everything was going to be okay, all those worries faded away into dust. More tears streamed down my face and inevitably soaked Alex's beige shirt as she stroked my hair, my eyes burning in my head and the exhaustion overpowering me as I lay curled up on the tiny bed, every sense filled by Alex. I don't know when I drifted off, or how long I lay crying, but eventually the sound of Alex's rhythmic heartbeat next to my ears allowed me to fall asleep faster than I had in a very long time.


	6. Looking In Your Eyes

When I was a child I used to crawl into my bed and hide under the covers when I heard the traditional shouting of my parents. Nearly every night I would hum to myself as I stuck my fingers in my ears and squeezed my eyes tightly shut, waiting for the screaming match downstairs to end. Whenever it did end, I would always hear the familiar thudding of my father's steps as he came up the stairs and entered my room, speaking my name and sighing when I never answered. I had perfected the skill of faking being asleep, cuddling my teddy close to me and making sure I didn't move when the beam of light shone in through my door when he opened it. I could make anyone believe I was asleep, except Alex.

"I know you're awake," Alex chuckled softly, the vibration of her laugh coursing through to my body and making a smile tug at my lips as I opened my eyes and peered up at her. I was curled up beside her on my tiny bed, watching her as she turned the page on the book she had pulled from underneath the bed, chewing on her lip as her eyes began to scan over the page. It always fascinated me how fast she could read, eating through book in hours.

"How can you always tell?" I mumbled, pushing myself up a little so my head was now resting on the pillow instead of just the mattress. It blocked my sight of Alex's face but eased the pain in my back slightly.

"Why do you always do it?" She laughed again, the sound of the book being dropped onto the floor before Alex was shuffling her body and moving down the bed to rest her head on the pillow next to me. It felt almost strange to have her so close to me again, the past few weeks feeling like they had been non-existent when Alex was flashing her goofy smile at me again.

"I don't know," I lied, feeling that would be a better reason to tell than actually explaining the truth. The truth being that I had been lay there, relishing the last few minutes before I was more than sure Alex would walk away, having done her job of calming me down, and now going back to the Alex that wanted nothing to do with me.

"You sleep like a dead person Kid, so when you wake up you always go lighter," Alex spoke, arching her eyebrow at me as she nodded her head down to remind me that my legs were still wrapped up in hers. I blushed slightly as I struggled to unravel our tangled limbs, hearing Alex chuckle before she stopped me from moving my resting her hand on my thigh. I shivered under the touch of her again, not realising that I had been craving it so much until now. "You look better, how are you feeling?"

"I don't know, I feel weird."

"Why?"

"I feel like I should be crying or doing something, but I don't want to. I just feel empty," I shrugged my shoulders weakly and watched as Alex stretched forward and tucked the strand of hair behind my ear that had fallen at the movement.

"Remember how I once told you that you can't force people to mourn the way you want them to? Well this is exactly like that Pipes, you can mourn however you want. I know how much you loved your grandmother, so if you want to stay in bed all day and do your whole fake sleeping thing, then I'll be right here with you."

I felt the tears sting the back of my eyes as she gave me another soft smile, an uncontrollable lump forming in my throat as pulled the blanket from around me and pulled some over herself, kicking her boots off and letting them fall off the bed. My eyes were becoming blurred as I tried to fight the tears, feeling one fall but not feeling it run when the pad of Alex's thumb stretched out and wiped it.

"Alex, I don't get this… You said- This isn't what you want Al, and I don't want you to feel obligated to be with me through this just because of who you are to me," I said softly, watching as Alex's eyes fluttered closed in frustration. For a second I was waiting for her to throw the blanket off and leave, thanking me for a saying the things she had been waiting for.

"Piper, I'm going to say this once so I want you to hear it loud and clear… Please forget about what I said to you in the library. I was angry and pissed, and pretty fucking hurt. I thought that staying away from you while you made your perfect world with Larry would help, but it doesn't. I'm not here because I feel obligated to be Pipes, I'm here because I want to be, okay?"

"Okay." I whispered back, smiling back at the grin on Alex's face. I watched as she rolled on the bed onto her back, lifting the book from before and flicking through it to find her page again.

"Did you know that your friends have wrote an inspirational quote in every single one of your books? I feel like I'm sat in some therapist's office with the amount of bullshit," Alex mumbled, a laugh breaking though my lips as I shuffled over a little, resting my head on her shoulder a little and watching as she finally found the page, "Also, I'm very disappointed in your lack of Laura Ingalls Wilder."

"Do you think she would have been disappointed in me?" I blurted out after a few minutes, watching Alex's eyebrows furrow in confusion.

"Who? Laura Ingalls Wilder?"

"No, my grandmother. I can't shake this feeling that I disappointed her, I mean, I'm sat in a prison bunk. I didn't even get to say goodbye to her because I'm in prison… I should have been able to say goodbye," I clenched my jaw when my voice began to shake, the tears stinging my eyes again as Alex set the book down and rolled onto her side, her face only centimetres from mine as she sighed softly.

"Pipes, when a puppy pisses in the house you don't hold it against the puppy for its whole life. It's young and it's learning, so you clean up the piss and move on. You were young and made a mistake, your grandmother knew that. She wasn't disappointed in you Pipes," Alex spoke softly, sighing as the tears just trailed down my face. My eyes were burning in my head as I felt Alex cup my cheek and pull me close to her, my head being buried into her neck as I cried hard. Even when the sobs had stopped I still couldn't manage to break the stream of tears, avoiding the worried look that was clouding Alex's gaze.

"Remember that song that you used to say was our theme tune?" She chuckled, making a small amused snort leave my lips when the memories faded into my head. I nodded softly, wanting to tell her that I never forgot, that when was with Larry I had cried one night after hearing the song, having to lie to him and tell him it reminded me of my grandfather.

"Yes," I croaked out, laughing softly when Alex coughed to clear her throat and looked around to check Red wasn't back yet.

"_Looking in your eyes, I see paradise. This world that I've found is too good to be true_," Alex whispered softly, wiping the tears from my face as she stopped for a second to wait for my eyes to flutter open again, "_Standing here beside you, want so much to give you this love in my heart that I'm feeling for you_," Another sob wracked through my body as I heard her softly sing the song to me, the memory of ten years ago when I had sang the song to her in bed flashing in my head.

"Come on Pipes," She whispered weakly, bumping her forehead against mine and waiting. I let out a shaky breath, tears only escaping my eyes now when I blinked. I swallowed thickly before flashing her a small smile.

"_Let 'em say we're crazy, I don't care about that. Put your hand in my hand, baby don't ever look back. Let the world around us just fall apart, baby we can make it if we're heart to heart_," I sang back weakly, my voice shaking from my tears and making a small laugh escape Alex's mouth. I watched as a proud smile filled her face, before her warm breath hit my neck again as she sang along with me.

"_And we can built this thing together, standing strong forever, nothing's gonna stop us now. And if this world runs out of lovers, we'll still have each other, nothing's gonna stop us, nothing's gonna stop us now_." I couldn't fight the smile that was tugging on my lips now, grinning back at Alex who was tucking my hair behind my ear and kissing my forehead quickly. A shiver went down my spine when she pulled back and looked at me.

"She was proud of you Pipes, you don't need to worry about that, I promise."

….

For once I had eaten nearly all of my lunch after missing dinner last night and sleeping through breakfast this morning. I was thankful that Morello had filled most of the silence with her chatter about the wedding, much to Nicky's dismay. I was more thankful that no one commented on the way Alex sat next to me, or the cautious looks she fired me every now and then. I had noticed Big Boo looking at us with a confused smug grin, but failing to make a comment when a kick under the table from Nicky had silenced her. It baffled me that I was annoyed it was Sunday, meaning no work, seen as I couldn't think of anything better to do than to mop the bathroom right now. I needed something to with my mind, to focus on something else. If I wasn't thinking about my grandmother, I was thinking about Alex. I had so many unanswered questions that I was scared to ask, but more so I had so many things I wanted to say that I was terrified to say. I had swallowed everything down along with my sandwich, walking back to my bed and feeling warmth spread through my chest when Alex had strolled into my cube only minutes later, grabbing the book and sitting down onto the bed next to me. I ignored the knowing smug grin from Red, just leaning back against the wall of the cube with my legs pulled up to my chest as I watched Alex work her way through a book.

"Chapman, you need to go see your CO about your furlough," Bennett spoke as he appeared at the side of the cube, his eyes flicking to Alex and making me panic slightly, expecting him to bark at her to get out, before he smiled softly and looked back to me, "Go to Healy's office by the way, he's back so he's your CO again."

"Wait, Healy's back?" I snapped quickly, watching as both Red and Alex looked up at me with a confused look on their faces. I watched as Bennett just nodded, tucking his fingers in his belt and walking away. "Shit," I muttered to myself, throwing my head back and wincing when it collided with the wall.

"Shit Piper, stop," Alex said quickly, her hand moving between my head and the wall in case I did it again. I could feel my hands already beginning to shake at the thought of seeing Healy, the lunch I had managed to eat now swirling in my stomach, "What's so bad about Healy?"

"He was there," I muttered quickly as I stretched for my grey jacket and pulled it around my shoulders with my shaking hands. Alex's eyes glanced at my hands before she stretched forward and helped me pull the jacket on, her eyes now worried and anxious.

"He was where?" She asked quickly, setting the book down and pushing off the wall so that she was completely in my sight now. I pulled my eyes away and stared down at the bed, watching as Alex tried to duck her head to get my attention again but failing when I just stared at the blanket. "Pipes?"

"The night Pennsatucky attacked me, he was there. He came out of the door and saw Pennsatucky trying to attack me, but he just pretended that he didn't see me, so he walked back and let Pennsatucky try to…" My voice faded and I heard the sharp intake of breath from Red. I looked up when I heard movement from her bed, watching he swing her legs over and sit on the side of the bed, her eyes now angry.

"Why didn't you say anything about this before?" Red snapped, almost sounding angry if it wasn't for the concerned look flashing on her face. I lifted my shaking hands to grab my boots but stopped when Alex grabbed them, closing her hands around them to stop the trembling.

"When I got out of SHU I heard that he had taken a leave of absence, and he sort of just became the least of my problems. I didn't expect him to come back and even if he did I didn't expect to have him as my CO again," I mumbled, finally looking over to Alex and seeing the thing I feared the most, Alex's anger. I knew Alex's temper more than anyone else, which meant I knew how unpredictable she was.

"That fucking bastard!" She shouted, eyes from the cubes across from us glancing over before looking away when Red glared at them, "I can't fucking believe him… He just left you. You could have been killed that night Pipes and he just left you for that fucking meth head."

"Al, calm down, please," I spoke softly, watching some of the anger disperse from Alex's face, although not from her eyes. "There's nothing I can do now, it's been too long. I need to go," I said quickly, pushing up from the bed and slipping the boot on without bending to tie them.

"I'll walk you there," Alex spoke as she pushed herself up from the bed and stood looking at me, a small shrug and smile appearing on her face when I arched my eyebrow at her.

"I don't need a bodyguard Alex, I'll be fine. Didn't you hear? I knocked someone's teeth out…"

"I know, I was the one who taught you how to punch remember?" Alex smirked at me before walking past me and grabbing my hand as she walked past to pull me alone with her. As we walked past Nicky I watched her wiggle her eyebrows at me, smirking at our linked hands as Alex pulled me along with her.

"Actually, the girls in the ghetto were a big help as well. They gave me a lesson on how to defend myself against a hillbilly, I'm a good learner. College girl remember," I laughed as I bumped my hip with Alex's watching her roll her eyes as we turned down onto the corridor.

…

It was concerning how fast the happiness and courage slipped from body in the space between leaving Alex in the hallway and walking through the door into Healy's office. I watched him typing away on his computer, grunting for me to take a seat. I was glad to be off my shaky legs as I slipped into the seat, focusing my eyes on the bobble heads in front of me rather than looking at him as he turned away from his computer and looked at me.

"Good to see you again, Chapman," He spoke as he crossed his arms and leant back in his chair, "You're looking good, I guess they didn't keep you down in SHU long enough."

"I'm sure you were hoping I would be a lot more fucked up, right?" I snapped, hearing a sly chuckle escape from his lips as he moved forward and leant on the desk.

"Remember I'm your CO Chapman, with a mouth like that you might just end up back in the box," He snapped, his voice now more stern as his eye flicked over to the door. I followed his gaze to where the blind had been left open, seeing Alex stood speak to Yoga Jones and laughing about something. A snort left Healy's mouth and made me flinch on my seat, my stomach churning as I struggled to find my voice.

"You wanted to see me about my furlough request?"

"You're well-travelled aren't you Chapman? Seen a lot places, done a lot of things?" He asked as he cocked his head and looked to me, I just shrugged and heard him sigh softly as he pulled a file from the pile on his desk and flipped it open. "I was reading your file here and it explains that you and Vause travelled a lot while you were committing illegal crimes, right?"

"We travelled a bit, yes," I mumbled, my eyes flicking over to the window to see Alex glancing at me while still listening to Yoga Jones talking.

"I went to Spain while I was off, it was pretty. Have you been to Spain? I don't really like the food but the weather is nice and I guess it has some nice beaches. Anyway, there's only so long you can take a leave of absence before everyone starts to assume that you've gone crazy, so I had to come back. I was in a really shitty mood until someone filled me in your furlough application situation, and I realised that maybe I might be able to start this whole 'coming back to work' thing with a bang."

I watched as Healy closed the file again and placed it back on top of the pile, leaning forward to flick the bobble head I was staring at. I forced myself to look up at him again, noticing the slight tan he now had and the way his hair looked slightly lighter.

"It's a shame your grandmother is dead, her last memory of you being in prison is sad," Healy chuckled as I clenched my jaw, playing with my nail to fight the swirling in my stomach that wasn't from fear anymore, but from anger. "But I'm not giving you furlough Chapman, you're very clearly a danger. Caputo may say that it was self-defence, but I think you're risk, so I'm going to deny you of furlough. You can get out of my office now."

"What makes you think I won't tell someone that you were there that night?" I asked quietly, but loud enough for Healy to tear his eyes away from the computer and look back over to me. For a split second I saw fear cloud them, as though he thought I had forgotten, or that I wouldn't do that to him.

"You were put in SHU for 6 weeks Chapman, no one will ever believe you. Besides, I heard that if you have too many visit to SHU, you'll be sent to max, you wouldn't want that would you?" He asked arrogantly, a smile flashing on his face as I pushed myself up from the chair. I walked to the door, swinging it open and watching Alex look over with a smile on her face before stopping when I heard Healy shout my name again, "It's good to see you being so cooperative for once Chapman, I think you might be my favourite inmate," He spoke as he looked at the screen on his computer, my anger boiling over slightly as I slammed the door closed of his office and gathered looks from everyone in the corridor.

….

It had been three days since my grandmother had died, and two days since I had stormed out of Healy's office. I had been glad to get back to work, thankful that Suzanne just muttered a quick condolence about my grandmother before filling the time with her soft singing as we moped the floors of the corridors. I had cried exactly three times in these past two days, and all three times I had been pulled into Alex's arms and allowed to sob quietly to just her. My head was still spinning with confusion from this whole situation, my body feeling like it was 3 months ago when everything was different. I was scared to mention anything to Alex about it, worried that she would run when she was reminded of what I had done to her last time. So every time I came even slightly close to asking her what we were doing, what we were, I would push the thought to the back of my head and carry on as thought everything was normal.

I looked down at the letters that were in front of me before looking up to see Morello, Nicky and Alex all waiting for me to put a word down. I looked back down to the letter and chewed on my lip as I tried to find the longest word, hearing Nicky groan and throw her head back.

"Jesus fucking Christ Chapman, playing scrabble with you is exhausting. Just make a fucking word!" Nicky snapped as Alex laughed, pushing her glasses back up her nose and flashing me her dorky smile again. It distracted me from the cards completely for a second until Nicky groaned again, this time Morello shouting at her.

"Give her some time Nicky, you always rush people," She barked at Nicky who now sat up in her chair and ached her eyebrow at Lorna.

"I'm sorry, I don't recall rushing you when it took you a shit load of time to come…"

"Jesus Nicky," Alex groaned in disgust as she looked over at my letter and flicked through them as she grabbed some and placed them on the board, winking at me when I noticed it earned me quite good points.

"You always bring it back to that Nicky, why do you always have to be so confrontational about everything?" Lorna now snapped, her letters being discarded on the table as she pushed her chair back and glared at Nicky who just scoffed. I watched Alex sighed tiredly as she dropped her head down onto the table, my hand involuntarily moving to play with her hair softly.

"What? Is King Christopher not confrontational, of course he's not, because he's not fucking real Lorna!" Nicky shouted, the room silencing for a second as Morello's mouth began to wobble from the tears. Alex lifted her head off the table and watched as Morello laughed weakly, throwing the rest of her letters onto the table before storming out of the room with enough attitude to rival Black Cindy.

"Jesus Nicky, why don't you just fucking tell her you love her? Anything would be better than what you're doing at the minute," Alex mumbled, lifting the cards that had been scattered by Lorna and piling them up.

"What, like you're the Queen of fucking honesty? What even are you and Chapman at the minute apart from fucked up? You're stringing her along Vause and you know it, at least I'm fucking honest with Lorna," Nicky snapped before dropping her cards and stomping out of the room with the same amount of attitude as Morello. I kept my eyes glued to the cards, the silence that was now filling the table becoming suffocating. I wanted to run, but I was pretty sure my legs had gone numb. My heart was thumping in my chest and all I could hear in my head were Nicky's words. Was Alex stringing me along? Was she just being with me because my grandmother had died, the way I had thought she was originally? When Alex cleared her throat I looked up, the hesitation leaving my body when I saw the sweet smile and worried eyes.

"Pipes, I'm not stringing you along, I mean… I'm not-"

"I'm know Alex, it's fine," I said softly, stretching to take Alex's hand but flinching when my name was called over the speaker as part of the list who had visitors. I looked over to Alex and groaned, "Just what I need, a visit from my fucking mother."

…

As soon as I walked into the room my eyes fell upon them sat at a table right in the middle, the sight of them in deep conversation making my stomach plummet and my feet want to turn around and run. I managed to turn around but was shoved by Wanda Bell who barked at me to keep moving, catching the attention of Larry who now looked over and saw me. He looked completely different from the memory of him that was burnt into my memory. His eyes weren't filled with anger anymore and his face didn't look harsh and bitter anymore. I forced my feet to move after another shove from Bell, stumbling over to the table and sliding into the chair before either had the time to stand up and try and hug me. I looked between the two of them and watched as they squirmed and glanced at each other like some fucking routine they had planned.

"Cal called and told me about your grandmother, I'm sorry," Larry started with a small smile on his lips, letting it fade when I just nodded at him, "Cal said that you had been trying to get out for it, heard anything about that?"

"They don't tend to let people who attack other inmates out for day trips," I snapped, watching Larry just nod before he looked to Polly for help. I watched her sigh as she leant forward on the table, her hands stretching as though she wanted me to take them but stopping to just rest on the table.

"Piper, we just wanted to come here today because we want to sort this all out. We are so sorry that we hurt you, and we never wanted this to end up like this, but it has. You still mean everything to me and I want you to know that you'll always be my best friend Piper, which is why it kills me that I hurt you so much. We thought that maybe we could make things better by coming to see you today, letting you see how happy we are together and showing you that this wasn't just for nothing, that we really feel something for each other," Polly spoke softly, occasionally glancing to Larry throughout and just gaining a small nod as if he was telling her she was doing a good job. I swallowed hard and pulled my eyes back to Polly.

"It's weird to hear you two being referred to as a 'we' couple…" I mumbled, watching Larry and Polly look confused as I stared at the table and spoke. "So basically, you both came here today for my blessing? For me to say that's it's okay for my best friend and my ex-fiancé to fuck each other?"

"That would be nice, even though I don't see why I need your blessing after you slept with someone else first," Larry snapped, earning himself a smack across the arm from Polly.

"Piper, we just want to make sure you're okay… Are you okay?" Polly asked softly, her hand stretching for mine again but stopping when I pulled my hands off the table and placed them in my lap.

"Oh I'm great, never been better," I laughed softly, watching Polly nod her head and mumble that it was a stupid question. I glanced between them and looked down to Polly's hand, smirking when I saw the faint tan line on the fourth finger of her left hand. "So, while you're here trying divest yourself of your guilt, where's Finn?"

"He's at my parents," Larry answered.

"Oh wow, I bet your parents are loving this. I mean, Polly is the perfect catch that your dad always wanted. She has no adventure which means she's willing to be your prefect little house wife, the only thing she's ever done that could be deemed gay was when she kissed that girl during spin the bottle in the first week of college, and of course she's never done anything illegal due to the boring life style I already mentioned."

"Piper," Larry snapped, using his stern voice that I always hated because it made him sound like a 9 year old trying to stand up to bullies.

"No Larry it's fine, I deserved that," Polly said softly, allowing me to flash a smug smirk at Larry, "I'm sorry Piper, I really am, but there is only so many times I am willing to apologise for this. I'm not going to ignore my feelings for Larry because of some shitty girl code that 13 year olds go by."

"Did Pete hit you?" I asked when I looked over to Larry, my eyes squinting to see the faint purple bruise that was surrounding Larry's eye. I watched as he opened his mouth to defend himself before just nodding, Polly laughing softly and making a small chuckle leave my mouth. I sighed weakly as I looked between them, realising that the anger I had been feeling had nothing to actually do with them, but more to do with me. I had been angry because I had chosen Larry and lost Alex, leaving me to only feel anger and pushing it onto them. Sure, the betrayal had stung, but I did cheat on Larry and tell him I loved someone else. I sighed softly as I looked between them both.

"As long as you don't flaunt this in my face and ask me to be your maid of honour, I'm willing to forego the years of hate I had planned. Under one condition though…"

"What?" Larry asked, pushing himself up on the chair and looking at me hopefully.

"You let me punch you once as soon as I'm out. That's it, just one good swing."

"Deal," Polly answered, stretching her hand out to shake mine and ignoring the sound of Larry's protests.

"Wait, no deal. I'm not being punched by her, she put someone in the hospital for fuck's sake!" Larry argued but stopped when Polly elbowed him again. I smiled softly back at Polly when she mouthed a 'thank you' at me, hugging her quickly when I stood up to leave and just rolling my eyes at Larry when he stood their uncomfortably. As I walked into the room for my strip search it confused me how normal this all felt, how weird it was that I was so calm about a whole chapter of my life seeming to end, the confusion ending as soon as Bell snapped at me to squat and cough.

….

I lay in bed staring up at the ceiling, counting the number of cracks and leaks to entertain myself. I had been expecting to come back to Alex sat on my bed reading from another book, yet when I had gotten to the suburbs I felt the sinking feeling in my stomach to find her missing. It scared me how much I depended her, my body seeming to have this setting built in that whenever Alex Vause was in my life it forgot how to function without her. I hated the weakness I always had around her, wondering if she knew she did this to me. Did I do this to her? Did she feel like she had no control over any of her body or say over anything she did whenever I was around her? I snorted when I realised how stupid I sounded, this was Alex I was thinking about here. Alex oozed control and discipline. I exhaled deeply and closed my eyes, beginning to roll over only to have my movement broken by the sound of Nicky's voice at the entrance to the cube.

"So maybe I may have had a bit of a dramatic and semi-aggressive mood swing earlier on," Nicky sighed as she pushed off the wall and sat on the edge of my bed, I just smirked at her I pushed myself up on to my elbows, "It happens to the best of us Chapman, however I do feel as though I should apologise for my shittyness."

"Its fine, Nicky."

"Vause isn't stringing you along, you know that right?" Nicky arched her eyebrow at me, waiting for the small nod that came from me. Under Nicky's stern watch I couldn't hide my slight hesitation that had appeared before when it had been said. What if Alex was only really here because she knew how it felt to be deserted when someone dies? I had left her when she had never needed me more and maybe she didn't have it in her to do the same to me, but who could blame her if she had. Was Alex just waiting until I was past this depressive slum that I had sunk into, waiting until I let out a real sincere laugh and then telling me that she still hated me. This constant state of querying and confusion that I was living in was exhausting me, my entire body feeling so heavy that I just slumped back down onto the bed and heard a laugh of disbelief leaving Nicky's lips.

"You don't seriously think she's stringing you along? I was just fucking with you Chapman." Nicky spoke as she shoved me softly to get me to look at her, my shoulders just shrugging weakly as I looked over to her.

"What if she's just helping me because she feels obligated to be? What if after all of this is over, she just ignores me again and pretends I don't exist. I don't think I can go back to that now Nicky, I think it would kill me to be near her again and to watch her glare at me after all of this. I just- I'm scared that she is stringing me along, because I'm scared of what will happen when she stops stringing me."

"Get up," Nicky spoke, standing up from the bed and stretching her hand out for me to take. I just arched my eyebrow and looked at her in confusion, watching Nicky mumble something about me always being difficult before she leant forward and grabbed me hand, dragging me off the bed until I had no choice but to stumble to my feet.

"What are you doing?"

"Just follow me Blondie," Nicky sighed as she kept her grip on my hand, pulling me out of the suburbs which was surprisingly empty. I stared at the crazy haired woman in front of me as she pulled me down the hallway, watching as she saluted Fischer when she pulled me past before turning the corner and heading for the set of door just down the corridor. Before I had a chance to protest Nicky was pushing the chapel doors open and shoving me inside, my feet freezing when I took in the sight in front of me.

My eyes immediately moved to Alex who was stood up on the stage talking to Sister Ingalls, listening as she read her something from the bible. I could see Taystee, Poussey and Black Cindy all stood on the stage in a small huddle, arguing over something. My eyes filtered over the groups of people that was spreading out over the benches of the church before Nicky shoved me from behind again and began to push me down the aisle towards the stage. My heart jumped when Alex looked up at the movement, a smile appearing on her face before she glared at Nicky over my shoulder.

"Nicky, I told you to bring her in 10 minutes… These fuckers still can't decide on what to sing," Alex moaned as she pointed over her shoulder to small huddle, Taystee just flashing Alex her middle finger before continuing with the argument at hand.

"Bring me to what?" I asked quickly, smacking Nicky's hands away when she tried to grab me again and turning to Alex who was walking down the steps from the stage and still flashing me her dorky smile. I watched as she pulled her glasses off the top of her head and placed them on her face, pushing them up her nose with her finger and forever making me wonder how someone could make glasses so unbelievable sexy.

"You said that you never got to say goodbye, so I thought maybe we could hold our own little funeral for your grandmother," Alex said softly as she shrugged like it was no big deal, completely unaware of the way my mouth was falling open in complete adoration for the woman in front of me. "I know it's not exactly ideal or the way you wanted it, but I just thought-"

I didn't give Alex a chance to finish the sentence, hearing her words silence when I pulled her forwards and wrapped my arms tightly around her. I buried my head into her thick hair and tried to fight the tears that were stinging my eyes, my heart no long thumping from confusion and worry but from how much I loved Alex. When her soft laugh echoed against my ear I pulled back a little, my eyes staring straight into her deep green once and noticing the small adorable grin that was pulling at her lips. I had never wanted to kiss her more, but I was too scared to just close the small space in between us, so instead I leant forward and pressed my lips softly against her cheek.

"Guys, seriously? This is a funeral, have some respect," Nicky said from behind us before she grabbed me and pulled me out of Alex's arms. I stumbled backwards before landing on the front bench, squeezing myself in down next to Lorna and feeling Nicky sit on my other side. Alex just smiled softly at me one more time before stepping back up on to the stage and groaning when she was bombarded by a complaining Black Cindy.


	7. The Inevitable

"Many of us here didn't know Piper's grandmother, however we have all had someone who we have lost when we've been in here. It's incredibly hard to process a loss of a loved one when you're in here, it's ironic really. I mean, we've lost nearly everything. We've lost our freedom, hot showers, good food and comfortable clothes, but none of that loss even compares to losing someone you loved, no matter how long you've been in prison. It's hurts because we don't get to say a proper goodbye to them and that can always somehow turn it's self into guilt, because if we hadn't of done wrong and gotten ourselves in here then maybe we would have been able to say goodbye to them."

I swallowed hard as I listened to Sister Ingalls talk, a small on her face as she looked at me before looking over the rest of the group that had appeared in the chapel. I looked round to see the small family that I had become a part of, Yoga Jones flashing me a small smile and cute wave when I noticed her a few benches back. When I looked back around I glanced quickly to Lorna next to me, smiling back her small smile before rolling my eyes at Big Boo who winked at me. I looked back up to the stage my eyes landed upon Alex who was sat on the edge of the stage further down, her legs swinging softly as she stared at her feet. I snapped my eyes back up to Sister Ingalls when she lifted her bible from the stand to read from it.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10," She spoke as she looked at the book, before sighing softly and nodding her head at Alex who had finally looked up. I frowned as I watched Alex push herself up from the edge of the stage, walking over to the small podium and coughing to clear her throat. I was surprised Nicky next to me hadn't made some smart comment about how loud my heart was beating, because right now it was the only thing I could hear.

"I met Celeste, Piper's grandmother, once a very long time ago for about 10 minutes. It was her birthday at the weekend and she was having a big party to celebrate, but Piper and I had a flight to catch that night meaning we were going to miss it. I remember pulling up to the house as we were on our way to the airport, Piper wanted to drop off her present which was this ridiculous glass ornament in the shape of a duck, it was hideous yet Pipes swore she would love it," I couldn't stop the snort that came from my mouth at the memory, hearing a chuckle leave Alex at the same time. When I felt Lorna nudge my shoulder I reluctantly looked away from Alex to see a toilet roll being handed to me, unaware up until then that tears had been falling from my eyes.

"I had never met any of Piper's family before because as you can imagine they wouldn't have exactly approved of their perfect little Piper being whisked away to Greece by her drug importing girlfriend, so when Piper told me to get out of the car and come and meet Celeste I knew right then that she must have been special. I felt this weird sense of nerves bubbling in my stomach as we waited at the door even though I was being introduced as I friend, but I guess I just wanted her to like me," Alex shrugged her shoulders and looked at me for a few seconds before looking back down at the podium, "As soon as she opened the door and pulled Piper in for a hug and barely waited for Piper to finish introducing me before she pulled me in for one as well, I knew that I was right when I thought she was special. She had this enigma about her that made her intriguing, and I guess also made her exactly like Piper. Everything that she was, was what I loved about Piper. She was sweet, kind, caring and as I walked into her house and noticed the other duck ornaments I realised what Piper had meant about the gift. As I watched her tell Piper over and over about making sure her seatbelt was secure on the plane and to not talk to any stranger in Greece, I realised that Celeste was once again special because I had finally met someone who loved Piper just as much as I did."

I heard a small sob break from my lips, earning myself a small smile from Alex when she looked up. My eyes were becoming blurred as I watched Alex push her glasses up her nose, Nicky's hand stretching across and grabbing mine. I looked to her and couldn't fight the laugh that bubbled up when she winked at me.

"Who'd of thought we would see the day when Vause talks about her past?" Nicky snorted, quietening when Lorna next to me just glared at her icily.

"It's really fucking shitty when people die. I read once about everyday miracles like giving birth, falling in love and other shit like that. When I was reading it I remember laughing because death was one of them, the only thought that came into my head was that whoever wrote that had clearly never had someone they loved die, because then they would know just how much it truly fucking hurts. When I was younger my mom used to say a few lines to me from a poem, always telling me that it was how she wanted people to think of her, so it's how I have spent that last ten years thinking of her. So maybe this is how you should think of your grandmother Pipes; 'Say not in grief that she is no more, but say in thankfulness that she was."

I couldn't focus on anything other than the small shrug and sweet smile that was on Alex's face, watching as she wiped quickly under her glasses. I wanted to run up onto the stage and kiss her right then, tell her that it was okay to cry and that it didn't make her any weaker. I watched as she coughed to clear her throat again, a small laugh escaping as she looked across the rest of the group behind me.

"Well, now that I have officially told you all more about me in the past 5 minutes than I have in the past year, I think we better move on," Alex laughed weakly, a small chuckle escaping my lips as I watched her nod her head at Taystee before she walked over and sat on the edge of the stage again. My eyes were glued to her until I heard Black Cindy squeal in a high pitch voice, nodding her head in appreciation of the note she managed to reach before waving Taystee to continue with what she was about to say.

"So Blondie, you're sort of part of the Ghetto which means it wouldn't be a funeral without some of our dulcet tones blasting through this joint." Taystee spoke as the three of them shuffled until they were in a line, swapping around when Black Cindy complained that they weren't in height order and that it was ruining their stage appearance. I laughed softly as I looked over to see Alex rolling her eyes at them, arching her eyebrow in her way that was clear she was telling them to get on with it.

"So we don't really know what kind of jams your grandmother was into Chapman, but we figured you can't really go wrong with a bit of 'Amazing Grace', right?" Poussey spoke as she smiled at me before coughing to clear her throat. I chewed on my lip as I listened to the three of them beginning to sing, the last time I had heard singing like this was at the Christmas Pageant right before I walked out. it made shiver how much had changed from then, how different my life felt yet at the same time it felt like nothing had moved on. Sure, along the way I had completely lost Larry, had managed to make whatever Alex and I had ten times more difficult, but at the same time I was still stuck. I was stuck in this prison and I was doing the same things day in and day out. I had missed my grandmother's real funeral because of that, yet at the minute that didn't bother me. As I listened to Black Cindy belt out Amazing Grace as though she was in Madison Square Garden, I realised that the guilt I had been feeling because I had missed that funeral was no longer swelling in my chest.

I looked over to Alex, watching her as she turned around a little to look at the stage and watch the three women who were screeching loud enough for guards to come crashing in any minute now. I was tired of telling myself that I needed to play it safe, that I couldn't be with Alex because she wasn't good for me. I was sat at my grandmother's fake goddamn funeral, so maybe now was the time to realise that life is so fucking short. I hadn't realised how angry I was with myself until now, how much I hated myself for choosing Larry that day. Sure, I always knew I had screwed up and sure I was always a little pissed off about it. But what annoyed me now wasn't that I chose Larry, it was why I chose Larry. I had told myself Larry was safe, but he wasn't. Alex was my safety, she always had been in the fucked up way that she was also the most dangerous thing I had touched. I was playing with fire constantly when I was with Alex, and right now I wanted nothing more than to be burnt, to feel something other than anger at myself.

I loved Alex. I was in love with Alex. Nothing would ever change that and I wanted nothing to change that.

….

"Hey, I've been looking for you everywhere," I looked up to see Alex walking through the chapel doors and down the aisle towards me, I watched as she pulled her orange coat off and set it down onto the chair, fixing the sleeve of her grey jumper as she walked the small space over to me. I smiled at her when she jumped up and sat on the edge of the stage next to me, smirking at me and bumping her shoulder against mine before asking, "Whatcha doin'?"

"I don't know… Just thinking," I said softly, smiling at her when she just nodded and looked at her feet as she swung them. I chewed on my lip as I looked at her, feeling the uncontrollable thump of my heart as I took in the sight of her glasses that were sliding slightly down her nose. When she looked up and noticed my watch a shy smile appeared on her face and made her laugh softly, her nose scrunching up in the most adorable way.

"Thinking about what?" She asked, making me sigh and just shrug my shoulders.

"Thank you Alex, for earlier on, it was perfect and what I needed," I said softly, smiling as Alex just shrugged her shoulders now like she had earlier on when she made it out to be no big deal. I felt like my heart was going to burst as I looked at her, and before I knew it was I cutting across her as she was telling me that she had locked Nicky in the fridge with Lorna, spilling everything that was floating around in my head out of my mouth.

"I love you Alex. I am madly, stupidly, heart-beats-uncontrollably-when-you're-around, in love with you. And I'm tired of ignoring that, or fighting it, because I just want to love you..."

"Piper-"

"Just let me talk for a minute, okay?" When I forced my eyes to look over I felt surprise to see hers were shinning back at me with tears, watching as she turned her head away for a second. It irritated me that she continued to hide herself from me even though I knew her, but more than anything it hurt me. I had forced her to be like that, I had hurt her so much that she felt she couldn't give herself completely to me anymore.

"Okay," She whispered when she looked back, the tears had now been blinked back and a weak smile was tugging at her lips.

"I walked away from you ten years ago because I told myself it was the right decision and that I had to. I told myself that I was so in love with you that I would have done anything for you, and that was partially true. Sure, I left because if you had asked me to carry that bag one more time I probably would have caved and done it for you and because I was so scared that I was losing you, that I thought it would be easier to walk away from you than for you to walk away from me. I told myself that reason over and over so many times that I eventually started to believe it, started to think I had done the right thing, but it wasn't the right decision. I should never have left you in Paris. I should never have walked away from you when you needed me, and more than anything I should never have walked away from you when you're it for me. I walked away from the only person I've ever felt complete with."

I stopped for a second when I heard my voice shaking, wiping quickly at the tear that was falling from my eye and looked over to see Alex's eyes now filled with tears. I offered her a weak smile which only made a small laugh escape from her, her tears now falling as she used the sleeve of her jumper to wipe at them feebly.

"And then I get given this ultimatum by Larry and everything that I had told myself over those ten years, all those lies, came flooding back again. I felt scared and all I could think about was my life in five years, and I was terrified to picture my life with you in five years because I have told myself over and over never to let myself do that. You've always felt like some sort of pipedream to me Alex, I don't know why, you've just always felt like I'll never fully have you, so what's the point in picturing a life I'll never have? I took the easy option yet again because I thought it would be easier to live the boring life with Larry, than to watch you walk away from me. I just never thought it would be so hard to live a complete lie…"

"Piper, I've never walked away from you. It's always been you- You've always been the one running." Alex finally spoke. Her voice sounded sad and weak, and when she looked at me with her tired crying eyes I felt like my whole heart was being clenched in someone's fist; her fist.

"I know, I've always been the one who's walked away and always been the one hurting you… But that's only because you've always been one step ahead of me Alex. I was living in this crazy world that was your world, so you felt safe. You were my only safety back then Alex, so when I felt you slipping away I felt lost in this crazy world that I didn't understand or even fit into. Then when I chose Larry I was terrified again because I would have so easily gone back into that world if it meant having you again, and I was sitting in a goddamn prison library because of it. You've always told me I'm selfish and narcissistic, I guess you were always right."

"Piper, why are you telling me all of this?" Alex whispered, her voice cracking from the tears and making me use every ounce of energy I had left not to lean forward and wipe her tears with my thumb. I sighed weakly as I watched her take her glasses off and set them on the stage, her hair falling around her face and hiding herself as she wiped at her tears.

"I don't know," I mumbled pathetically as I looked around the room, "Maybe because I was sat in that funeral and all I could think about was how much I was in love with you. I ran when your mother died, and that has haunted me every single day since, yet when my grandmother died you pushed everything aside just to be there for me. I sat there thinking how much I don't deserve you, yet how much I can't let you go. You've been this one constant thing in my life Al, yet at the same time you've been the most fragile, delicate and breakable thing. I'm tired of constantly being nervous about whether we're going to smash into pieces, so I decided that for once in my life I'm going ignore the voice in my head that is telling me this is wrong, or this is scary, or this isn't what my fucking family want."

I wiped at the tears that had clouded my eyes with my shaking hands, drying the tears on my pants as I watched Alex tuck her hair behind her ears, her eye flicking between staring at the floor and looking up at me. I had never felt my stomach swirling as much as I had right now, feeling it churn with every breath I took.

"I'm in love with you Alex and I'm sick of running away from that. I'm not going to hide anymore and pretend that you're wrong for me when it's so blatantly obvious that you're the only one there ever has been for me. You're inevitable, remember? I want to feel like the 22 year old girl you teased in a bar, because you made me feel special and I haven't felt as safe since."

"Piper, so much has changed since then, you said so yourself…" Alex sighed weakly as she grabbed her glasses again and pushed them onto her face. Her eye were now puffy and red, her voice shaking from the tears that were clearly still being swallowed down in her throat. I nodded weakly as I watched her sigh almost frustrated, feeling my heart beginning to thump from the nerves that had been bubbling in my stomach.

"I know. I know I'm not the same naïve 22 year old, and you're not the same cocky drug importer… But that doesn't mean I don't still love you just as much Alex."

"What do you want me to say?" Alex asked as she pushed herself down off the edge of the stage and stood with her back to me for a second before she swung round. "Do you want me to tell you that I love you too? Would that make you happy?" She snapped, the familiar 'Alex anger' being aimed at me. I flinched from her harsh voice and watched as her face softened a little, her shoulders slumping.

"Alex…"

"This isn't fair Piper!" Alex barked, her voice echoing around the chapel and making me flinch again. "You can't keep telling me that you love me and then walking away from me. How am I supposed to know if this time is any different? How am I supposed to know that you won't get scared again Piper? I can't keep climbing onto your train only to be thrown off, left to pick myself up off the ground because you run back to what you think is safe and what you think it best for you. You have fucking Larry, and I'm left by my fucking self Piper!"

"Alex," I spoke weakly, my voice shaking from the fear that was clouding my head with every word that left Alex's mouth. "That's not fair either…"

"None of it is ever fucking fair with us Piper!" Alex shouted, her voice booming through the chapel and making me recoil backwards a little.

"Alex-"

"Of course I love you too Pipes, I always have… But one of us is always hurting the other, and I can't hurt you anymore, but I also can't let myself be hurt anymore Piper. These past weeks when I've been avoiding you, do you think it's been easy? It hurts every fucking time I see you, but I put up with it because I know that the pain I feel when I see you is nothing compared to the pain I feel when I know I'm hurting you." Alex ran her hands through her hair as she stepped back a little, her legs hitting the front bench before she sat down on it. "You want the house, the dog, the Sunday mornings curled up in bed. I don't think I can give that to you Piper."

"Alex, I can do Cambodia…" I said, trying to ignore the screaming in my head that was telling me that I couldn't, that I would never be able to. I ignored the voice only to hear Alex say it instead.

"No you can't. You loved the travelling when you were younger because you knew no better and because we loved each other, but that's not enough now. You know better, you know what you're getting yourself into with me, and that outweighs love… every single fucking time."

"You think I don't love you enough?" I asked, pushing myself off the stage and onto my feet but not moving forward. I stood leaning back against the stage and watching as Alex shook her head softly and laughed weakly.

"I know you love me Piper, which is how I know it must have hurt when you walked away and when you chose Larry. But at the end of the day the fear outweighed the love, didn't it?" Alex arched her eyebrow at me in the knowing way she did, sighing when I just tore my eyes away and looked to the ground instead. "I can't keep making you feel scared, Pipes."

"Will stop with that bullshit?" I snapped as I shot my head up, anger suddenly appearing from nowhere and even surprising myself. "Stop with the 'I can't hurt you anymore' shit and just say what you really want to fucking say Alex! Say that you want the life in Cambodia more than you want me!"

"God Piper, you're so fucking naive!" Alex snapped as she stood up from the bench now and glared at me, "I don't want the Cambodia life, but it's the only fucking life I know! I can't play house with you because the idea of me having a normal life seems like a fucking dream to me, one that will never happen. I don't know how to play house or how to be your perfect Alex, I know how to import fucking drugs and how to find mules. I'm really fucking great at that!"

"I don't want you to be my 'perfect Alex', because then you wouldn't be my fucking Alex!" I snapped back, pushing myself away from the stage and stepping closer to Alex. Even though there was only a few steps in between us, I had never felt so far away from Alex in my life, and it hurt me even more because I felt like she had pushed me this far away. I took another step even closer and watched as she raised her hair, a small whimper leaving her mouth when I got closer.

"Don't Piper," Alex pleaded when I took the final steps so that I was right in front of her, our bodies just inches apart. Her green eyes looked almost grey, darker with the sadness and anger that was filling them. When Alex whimpered again I ignored the screaming in my body and lifted my hand to cup her cheek, feeling a wave of relief when she didn't shove me away. I brushed my thumb along her cheek to catch the tears that were falling, smiling at her when she leant her cheek into my hand.

"You've always been my Alex. Yes, you're arrogant, egotistical, manipulative and a massive pain in my perfect WASP ass… But I love you Alex," I watched as Alex snorted a little, her eyes still refusing to look at me as I inched even closer until our bodied were pressed up against each other and I could hear the shallow breaths that were leaving Alex. Her smell invaded my senses again and for a second every thought left my mind as I stood there, overpowered by Alex and praying that this wasn't the last time she would allow me to feel this. "There is a lot of shit in my life and we're incredibly fucked up, but I don't care about any of that right now because I am in love with you… Look at me Alex."

I wiggled my fingers lightly against her cheek and watched as her eyes darted around behind me for a second, clearly weighing up the decision, before finally the green eyes that had an immense amount of control looked right back at me. I smiled softly at her as I trailed my hands down from her cheek to her neck, sighing that I loved her before I finally fought every reluctant thought in my body and pulled Alex to me until I felt my lips press against hers. I kissed her hard, wanting to show her in some way that this was it for me. She was it for me. The kiss was short and sweet, yet when we pulled away I still felt like I had no breath as I leant my forehead on her, listening as she cried softly. I let out a soft breath as I trailed my hand down again to play with her dark hair, twirling it around my fingers.

"Please don't leave me Alex," I croaked, tears stinging my eyes and pooling them so fast I barely had a chance to blink them away, "Please tell me that you love me too."

I flinched when I heard a voice boom through the chapel that wasn't Alex. I felt my body stiffen before feeling like I had been burnt when a previously frozen Alex jumped back and pushed me away as she turned round to see Nicky leaning her head in the door. I couldn't tear my eyes away from Alex as I stumbled back slightly, watching as she looked over to Nicky.

"Sorry about interrupting whatever intimate thing you two got going on in here, but count is in about 3 minutes so I suggest you tears yourselves apart and get back to the Suburbs soon," I heard Nicky speak. I flinched again when I heard Alex thank her, the sound of the door closing echoing through the chapel before I finally forced my head up to see Alex walking over to grab her coat.

"Alex," I spoke, watching as she just grabbed the jacket and pulled it on, beginning to walk up the aisle as though she hadn't heard me, "Alex!" I shouted loudly, my breath catching when she stopped but didn't turn around. "You can't just leave- You can't just walk away!"

"I have to Piper," I heard Alex speak before she quickly walked up the remainer of the aisle and out of the doors before I even had a chance to comprehend her words. I felt my legs buckle from underneath when the sound of the door slamming closed vibrated around the room, my body slamming down onto the steps up to stage as the tears that I had been fighting now cascaded down my face. My sobs rebounded off the walls as I cried into my hands, leaving me to sit and be bombarded by the feeling that I didn't have Alex anymore, that I would never have Alex again. I fought the urge to be sick as I continued to cry.

…..

I walked into the Suburbs with my head hung low, speeding past Alex's cube as fast as I could before stopping at the wall of my cube when the voices of the guards bellowed through the room. I stared at the floor as I watched the feet of Bennett walk up and down, the sound of the clicker the only thing I was listening to and instead ignoring the whistle that Nicky was doing across from me to gain my attention. When Bennett shouted that he was done I slipped around the wall and ducked down onto my bed fast enough for the dark hair in the corner of my eye not to be seen.

"You had me worried there Blondie," Red chuckled as she walked in, flopping down onto the edge of her bed and coughing softly, "I thought you weren't going to show up. Where the hell where you?"

"In the chapel," I mumbled as I just sat frozen on my bed. Although my eyes were stinging unbelievably in my head, I couldn't think of anything worse than sleep right now. The only thing that was running through my head was cleaning, but I was too scared to stand up and walk out in case Alex was still stood up in her cube and I had to see her. My stomach was still swirling from just 5 minutes ago in the chapel, and when I looked up at Red I flinched at her gasp.

"Shit Chapman, what happened?"

"Nothing, I'm fine," I muttered, shying away when I heard Nicky scoff from the entrance to my cube. I looked over to see her eyebrow arched and her arms crossed. She looked over in Alex's direction before walking in and sitting next to Red on her bed.

"Quit the bullshit Chapman, what happened? I walked into some serious dyke drama just then," Nicky chuckled before her laughter turned into grumbles when Red hit her over the head.

"Nothing happened."

"Come on Chapman, Vause is in bed right now for fuck sake, have you ever known Vause to hit the sack this early? I wanted to cut the bitch for locking me in the fridge with Lorna, but I let it go when I saw the depression that was oozing from her." Nicky spoke as she watched me get up from the bed and grab my grey jacket. I slipped it around my shoulders and walked out of the cube, ignoring the sound of both Red and Nicky shouting my name.

"Chapman, where do you think you're going?" O'Neil barked as I made my way to the door. I attempted to walk past him a little so I was further away from Alex's cube but failed when he put his arm up and blocked my way.

"To work, I need to clean the bathrooms," I exhaled thankfully when he lowered his arm, pushing past his body and practically running out of the room and away from the suffocating air.

…

The sound of the mop splatting against the floors vibrated off the walls as I dropped it down on the surface, yawning softly before carrying on with the job I had been doing for hours. I wasn't exactly sure what time it was but from the echoing silence that was around the prison, I was more than sure I was into very early morning. I looked into the mirrors on the wall to see the whites of my eyes were bright red and bloodshot. I had gathered a dark purple ring underneath them that made me look like I was dying. I didn't know whether it was the lack of sleep, lack of food or lack of Alex that had caused them, but I scoffed when I realised I was being naïve yet again. Of course it was all Alex, it was always Alex.

I thought that cleaning would have helped, but the more floors I moped and surfaces I wiped the more Alex kept popping into my head. I would describe my feeling as numb if it wasn't for the painful stab in my chest every time her eyes flashed into my head. I felt almost hollow, as though my insides we're completely vacant of every feeling now due to the defeat, but I couldn't get past the hard exterior of pain and sadness to leave my head void of any thoughts. I couldn't shake the feeling that I deserved this, that ten years ago I had listened to Alex ask me, beg me, to stay with her and I just walked out of the door and not looked back. Alex had walked away from me and maybe I deserved that, or maybe I didn't. Alex knew how this felt, she knew what it was like to be deserted, yet here she was doing the exact same to me. With every two stabs of pain that I was feeling, I felt one pinch of anger. It was growing more and more with every shower that I cleaned, and the more I thought about how she walked out of that chapel as though I had been invisible, the more I wanted to march in the Suburbs and strangle her right now. I could do a few weeks in the SHU if it meant shaking this anger within me.

But after every wave of anger I felt this wall of defeat and loss hit me, so hard that every time my legs would buckle and I would have to grip onto the dirty wall to keep me on my feet. I couldn't live in a world with no Alex anymore, I couldn't put myself through that anymore. I used to laugh when people told me that they broke up with their partner but that they were still going to be friends, I never understood the concept. But right now I understood, I more than understood it, I wanted that. Sure, it would hurt like a fucking bitch to call Alex a 'friend', even after weeks of telling myself that she was just a friend when I had first gotten here, but I knew that I wanted that more than I wanted a life without Alex. I laughed weakly when I remembered how Alex had said we were never friends when she was locked in the dryer, how hurt and baffled I had been in that moment. When I think back on it, she was right. From the first time I saw Alex I was attracted to her, from the first time she kissed me I realised that I wanted that more and more, and from the time that I had walked up behind her in that bar I knew that I would never stop wanting Alex more and more. Friends don't do that… I had never once wanted to 'taste' Polly, never mind kiss her. I didn't know how to be friends with Alex, but I was more than willing to travel on a learning curve if it meant keeping her in my life.

I frowned when I heard footsteps making their way towards the bathroom, looking up with a smile on my face when I assumed it was just Suzanne, only to feel every muscle in my body tense when an exhausted Alex turned around the corner and looked right at me. Hey eyes looked almost as bad as mine as she touched her glasses and pushed them up her face a little. I chewed on my lip for a second before smiling softly at her, ignoring the thumping of my heart and screaming in my head.

"You're really dedicated to these early morning showers," I smirked at her as I tore my eyes away and continued wiping the floor with the mop. I flopped the mop back into the bucket and focused on dunking it into the water when the tension in the room increased with every second that Alex didn't move. I sighed when I felt like I was suffocating, looking up at her and noticing a torn look in her eyes. "Look Alex, I get why you walked away before, you don't want an 'us'… And that's fine, but I still love you. So I need you in my life somehow, so I was thinking maybe we could be friends? You forget about the whole me telling you that I'm in love with you thing right after my grandmother's fake funeral in a chapel, and I'll pretend that I find other people hot and that I'm interested in moving on. I know it's not ideal and that you said we were never friends, but I really-"

"Shut up," My rambling was cut off by Alex's soft voice cracking through the room. I frowned and looked up from my mop to see her stepping towards me, my pulse beating past my ears and making me almost dizzy.

"Uhm… What?" I asked as I swallowed thickly, struggling to focus on anything other than the way Alex wasn't stopping as walked towards me. She wasn't fucking stopping. I didn't have time to think about anything else before I felt Alex's hands cup the side of my face and pull my lips against hers so fast that I felt completely dazed. The mop dropped from my hand and clattered off the floor as Alex continued to push me backwards until my back collided with the wall. I didn't have time to flinch from the pain of the collision when I felt her tongue forcing its way into my mouth, twisting with my own before I couldn't fight the moan that was working its way up my throat. I finally managed to shake my thoughts into order as our tongues flickered against each other's, my hands unfreezing and moving up to curl into the long black hair that I had missed twirling around my fingers. Every part of my body felt like it was on fire when Alex slid on hand down from my cheek and let her fingertips tickle over every bit of my she could touch.

I moaned again when our mouths finally parted, missing the sweet taste of her immediately and pulling her forward again with the back of her head. I ignored her soft chuckle and felt her smile into the kiss. Her lips just pressed against mine softly before she pulled them away and began to kiss across my cheek and up my jaw line. I struggled to catch a proper breath as I felt her lips and hands roam all over me, my head in complete state of blurriness until I heard her breath against my ear and the words whispered that stopped my spinning head, focused my ragged breath and forced me to open my eyes.

"I love you," She whispered softly into my ear, pulling her head back until her deep green eyes were all I could see. My eyes were stinging from tears again as she tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear, using the pad of her thumb to catch the tears that began to fall before leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss against my cheek where she had caught the tears. I giggled softly when she scattered kisses all over my face and leant her forehead against mine.

"I'm in love with you too Pipes, always have been. You're inevitable."


End file.
